The Book of John

Are you SURE you're ready to take on the World?

2006-03-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

This morning I awoke rested and ready to face the world.

I ate some cereal. Watched some Ellen. Read a little.

Showered leisurely, dressed, and decided to go grab a Big Mac for lunch.

I had my keys in one hand and my other hand on the doorknob when I realized that I'd forgotten something critical.

I looked down at my tied shoes, white socks, and as my gaze continued up my white ankles to my hairy legs I realized that I'd forgotten to put on any pants.

The moral of the story is: just when you think you're finally ready for something...stop and check to see if you're wearing any pants.

Back on Track

2006-03-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

Hello all..........

I know that it's been a rather long time since the last blog entry. I've taken a sabatical from many things, the blog included. I had tunnel vision, focused solely on getting out of my life as I know it. Somehow, over the past few months, with my mind targeted on Charlotte, my resume, roomate searches, and the works I hadn't noticed how much better my life had become.

Admittedly, the past six months leading up to the new year had been, well let's just say....not happy times. Miserable, hear-breaking, depressingly bleak times might be a bit more accurate. I lost myself in what was happening to me and kind of forgot to distinguish myself from all the bad shit that I had stepped in. What was happening to me, wasn't WHO I was. Once I figured this out, I also figured out alot of other things as well. At the forefront of this was the realization that I needed to move away from here and that I would and could make it happen.

Well with that thought still in mind, here is what is going on with me now.

1. I am staying in Alamance County one more year. I'm gonna stick at my school and try for my National Board Certification next year. It's an awful trying and laborious project but it will be well worth the money and opportunity after it's all said and done. Then, at the end of next year, I will have my certification to teach anywhere in the country AND I will have paid off my promise to teach in NC for four years (my teaching fellows scholarship). In other words, I'll be free, primed and ready, to move anywhere in the country. This year I will save up for that big move and spend more time planning. I'm very content with my decision and think it's the best and most mature thing to do at the moment.

2. Brian and I are back together. While it may not be the most popular choice, I am happy and optimistic about our second time around. I believe in love and forgiveness and though many of you (you've even told me) find this to make me naive, I like to believe that this makes me wise and loving. The easy and safe thing to do would be to run away from my feelings and the possibility of getting hurt again. The daring romantic thing to do is to put myself out there and believe in love once again. It sure ain't easy. Folks sure aren't making it easy for us, but this is our decision and it's not the first time (nor the last) that many people don't agree with a life choice of mine.

So now, reader, you are up to speed. Things are good. I'll enjoy them while they last becuase the bitter makes the sweet so much better.

Nine Layers

2006-01-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

LAYER ONE
Name: John
Birthdate: 03/02/81
Birthplace: Burlington, NC
Current Location: Burlington, NC (Anyone else see something wrong with that?)
Hair Color: Brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Sun Sign: Pisces
Innie or Outtie: Innie

LAYER TWO
Your heritage: German and English
The shoes you wore today: Size 13 sneakers (my favorite shoes)
Your hair: crappy
Your eyes: Blue and my one beloved feature
Your weakness: Guys who are clearly assholes to everyone but me, carnal urges like blowjobs and chocolate
Your fears: discovering that I"m wrong to believe that being a good person matters in the great scheme of things
Your perfect pizza: Homemade pizza is the best!
One thing you'd like to achieve: Not letting other people effect me

LAYER THREE
Your most overused phrase on IM: I strive hard to be original.

Your first waking thoughts: Brian

The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: his laugh
Your best physical feature: eyes?
Your bedtime: Does it really matter? I never sleep well anymore.
Your greatest accomplishment: Survival
Your most missed memory: How the hell can you miss a memory and know that it's missed?

LAYER FOUR
Pepsi or Coke: Coke all the way baby
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds Big Mac...OMG I want one now!
Single or group dates: Single

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate to eat, Vanilla to smell Cappuccino or coffee: Neither, I prefer Hot Chocolate, with a hint of vanilla ;)

LAYER FIVE
Smoke: No. YUCK.
Cuss: Not between the hours of 7:30 and 2:30. Like a sailor all other hours in order to make up for all of that tragically lost time Sing: Passionately, if not well.
Take a shower everyday: Often, twice a day.
Have a crush(es): I think I'm now to old for crushes...too old or too damaged.
Who are they: Crushes are for schoolgirls
Do you think you've been in love: yes
Want to go to college: Over and over and over and over and over and over Like high school: It was the BEST of times; It was the WORST of times
Want to get married: Flip floppin' on this one
Believe in yourself: Yes, if only others would.
Type with your fingers on the right keys: I am a fucking incredible typist.
Think you're attractive: Actually, yes, I do.Think

Get along with your parents: If I lie about who I am, everyone seems happy

LAYER SIX: In the past month, did you...
Drink alcohol: Only in large quantities
Smoke: GAG
Do a drug: Probably too much Brian for my system
Make Out: If only that was all I've done!
Go on a date: If only that was all I've done (again!)
Eat an entire box of Oreos: Will after I get that Big Mac
Eat sushi: I'd rather smoke.
Been on stage: My life is a stage. Don't you know that!? :)
Been dumped: Every single day I"m rejected.
Been in love: Every single day.

LAYER SEVEN: Have you ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes and lost my damn wallet

If so, was it mixed company: Yes, like I care.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: And turned into an apparent Maddona on the dancefloor, yes.
Been caught "doing something": Nope, keep the blinds pulled and the doors locked.
Been called a tease: I'm such a slut.
Gotten beaten up: Emotionally.
Shoplifted: I'm a teacher for God's sake!
If so, did you get caught: I'm too smart to get caught!

LAYER EIGHT
Age you hope to be married: Before I die. Not too high of an expectation I hope.
Numbers and Names of Children: Rachel Anne, Brandon Parker, B. Henry.
Describe your Dream Wedding: Christmas with white and silver and snow
What do you want to be when you grow up: A happy good person

What country would you most like to visit: Africa

LAYER NINE
Number of guys I have kissed: OMG...only about 30. Not as bad as I'd thought..
Number of boyfriends you've had: 2

Number of drugs taken illegally: one
Number of people I could trust with my life: many, fortunately

Number of CDs that I own: Not too many. Almost as many DVDs as I have and ya'll know that is scary
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Lots actually....around 10

Number of scars on my body: three

Number of things in my past that I regret: WOW. Many, but I hold fast to the belief that they helped me more than they hurt me in the end.

Gratitude Journal #1

2006-01-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

Trying to be positive...Oprah-style.

Five things that I'm grateful for that happened today...

1. Erin and I having great and hilarious 'roomate' moments over Jelly Bellys, Star Jones, and "Dancing with the Stars"
2. Leland getting our of his bad mood and stealing MY away message....imitation equals flattery no?
3. Brian calling me to vent. I always like to be the 'shoulder'.
4. My kid's being SUPER-WELL behaved.
5. Talking to Alex on her birthday.

Here's to You, 2005!!!

2005-12-31T18:59:00.000-08:00

Here's to You, 2005!!!!

2005, you sly dog you! You came into the world full of such hope and promise. You started off as one of the best years of my life, you sneaky little devil! Little did I suspect how you would destroy the very core of my belief system. Thanks for opening my eyes to reality and squelching all of the simplistic naive traits that I possessed! You truly believe in the 'tough love' approach and totally out-did yourself on the 'tough' part! 2005 really taught me alot of swell lessons!

In 2005........

I learned that it's awfully hard to teach a first grade class when you are depressed and angry at the world and that it is heartbreaking to look into the eyes of a child and know that there is no magic, no guiding force in the world and that their life, from this point on, will simply be a series of lies and dissappointments.

I learned that there are more shady, manipulative, lying people in this world than I ever realized and that they can fool even the smartest people.

I learned that wearing your heart on your sleeve only gets it dirty, nicked, and bruised.

I learned that believing that someone could truly be in love with me, and stay in love with me was an awful miscalculation on my part; I surely knew better.

I learned that the phrase, "blood is thicker than water" only applies if you have heterosexual blood coursing though your viens.

I learned that love conquers nothing, that giving only benefits those who take, and that only an idiot 'thinks with their heart'.

2005 sure was an enlightening year! Hip hip hor-fucking-ray!!

If only Cruise had kept control the year would have been sooo very different....

2005-12-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

(I only wish I were clever enough to have written this....)

2005 Was All in Cruise's Control.......

It may not have been evident at the time, but when Tom Cruise was leaping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch, he was like a piston, churning the wheels of fate.

Had Cruise not chosen to express his love for Katie Holmes on that momentous May day, 2005 might have been very different. Just imagine:

Hurt by Cruise's cold, somber manner on "Oprah," Holmes storms out of the studio and announces that she's leaving the "War of the Worlds" star.

"He could have at least hugged an ottoman," Holmes says.

Spurned by the 27-year-old beauty, Cruise undergoes a period of self-examination and gives up Scientology. Devastated over losing its most famous member, the church quickly recruits Russell Crowe.

Enlightenment soothes Crowe's anger, and the notorious phone-tossing incident never happens (although there are reports of the actor flicking a Cheez-It at a hotel bellboy).

His good reputation takes a hit, though, when Crowe (promoting "Cinderella Man") calls "Today" host Matt Lauer "glib" while discussing medication. The word is apparently central to Scientology beliefs — like "sin" is for Catholics.

Crowe's "Cinderella Man" co-star, Renée Zellweger, thrown by the brouhaha, seeks solace not in country star Kenny Chesney, but someone just as surprising. She marries "American Idol" finalist Bo Bice, a decision criticized by Simon Cowell.

The wedding news breaks just as the circulatory dating of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hits full stride. It becomes too much for tabloid editors, who begin referring to them as Brangelinastonaughn.

The partner-swapping also elicits fierce debate over whether each relationship is based on true love or strategic image-making and movie-selling. The theory — dubbed "intelligent design" — doesn't quite make it to the Supreme Court.

One case that does make it to a courtroom, though, is Anna Nicole Smith's suit against Kanye West alleging that his hit song "Gold Digger" is about her.

The trial is dismissed, though, after Smith shows up late to court in her pajamas.

West remains bitter, a feeling intensified by the mishandling of Hurricane Katrina. At a telethon, his co-presenter, Mike Myers, is replaced at the last minute by Michael Jackson. A confused West then proclaims: "George Bush hates white people."

Distraught over his mistake, West joins Dave Chappelle in South Africa.

Paris Hilton never meets her would-be fiance, Paris Latsis. Instead, she becomes engaged to herself. "That's hot," she claims.

The engagement lasts three weeks before splintering amid a dispute over the prenuptial agreement.

Jessica Simpson, witnessing Hilton's breakup drama, opts to stay married to Nick Lachey. Their "Newlyweds" show is renamed "Mildly Satisfied, Sort of Unhappy Married Couple, Remaining Together for Financial Reasons — Like Everyone Else."

By some strange coincidence, Martha Stewart and New York Times reporter Judith Miller end up at the same prison. Stewart brightens up Miller's cell with curtains and Miller helps Stewart with her "Apprentice" catch phrase.

The pair rules the jail, forming the "Valerie Plame Gang" in which each member must get a tattoo reading "VPG for Life: Disclose this!"

In this alternate reality, though, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline remain together. Even history's left-hand turns can't stop true love.

A Funny Thing Happened at the Dollar Store

2005-12-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

I'm standing in line at the dollar store (A teacher's favorite hang-out mind you) when the following conversation transpires between the dollar store cashier and the woman checking out.

The woman checking out holds up some heinous Santa figurine. Anyway, she asks the cashier, "How much this be?"

"It's one dollar," says the cashier.

Then the woman holds up a bottle of hand soap.

"Well, how much this?"

"A dollar," replied the cashier.

"Am I in the dollar store or something?!", asks the woman checking out.

"Um, yes." says the cashier.

"Shit, I thought I was in the mother fucking Dolla General," says the woman.

Ok, it was funny when it happened.

CENSORED

2005-12-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

Censorship is bad. Period. In my ideal world, anyone and everyone would be able to express themselves however they wanted at any given moment AND most importantly, everyone else would just accept that, deal with it, embrace it, or ignore it. Whatever. But no one would have to censor themsevles for others.

I've been giving this TONS of thought lately because I feel like I am constantly evalutating what I can and cannot say; what I can and cannot do. Gaging how it will be met by others. Oh my gosh! How will they react!? I find this disconcerting because I am out of the closet! I always thought that after crossing that line, I wouldn't have to edit myself, my life, and my beliefs so much. And it's not even mostly about being gay. It's about my political, spiritual, and personal views on life and even my affection for others.

So here is my question to you, blog-voyer. Is it just me? Or does everyone feel like they are constantly abridging themselves to appease others!? I'm honestly sick of it. That's one reason that I haven't been blogging as much lately. Folks rag on my depressed blogs. Well fuck you. Someone else is made 'uncomfortable' by the way I feel. Well fuck you too. And clearly this issue of living and conversing inauthentically crosses over into work and family.

Why is your comfort of greater value than mine?! You react to things in your own way, and I'll react to them in mine. Ok, opressor?

I've just never been that type of person on the inside. Maybe it's partly my fault because I haven't let you know it. Maybe I've enabled others to treat me this way, but from now on: take me or leave me folks. My feelings, my views, my beleifs....they may not align with your thinking, and they may not even be 'right', but they are mine. I'm entitled to them, and I have just as much of a right to express how I feel as you do. My blog. My away messages. My friends. My activities. My views. My affection. My life. No longer will you be viewing the rated version. It's time for the fucking director's cut.

Quarter Life Crisis

2005-12-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

Quarter Life Crisis
Current mood: bitter and lost

Quarter Life Crisis

I seriously find myself hard-pressed to remember a time when I was more confused with my life.

*sigh*

I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't know where I belong. My family and I seem to be vessels that are constantly moving further and further apart towards different destinations on opposite shores. I am less and less able to relate to their right-wing, bible belt, conservative lifes, and they are less and less able to relate to my liberal, non-traditional, homosexual lifestyle. And then there's all the family drama on my Dad's side. It makes me just want to run far far away, because I don't know what I can do to make any of it better.

And then, I try to make new friends here. Not to replace the old, but to just have new deep friendships, but these new friendships just aren't don't compare with the gravity of connection that I have with those friends that have moved away. I hang out with the people at school, but they're ALL straight. I hang out with the people at Elon, and I feel like such a loser because I'm almost 25, and I think 'God, these college kids must think that I'm pathetic.' I want to finally 'break away from the bubble', but that just leaves me more alone than ever. And I guess that's just a huge part of this, even when I've gone through hardship before in my life, I never felt so lonely, so often as I do now.

And those issues are just the tip of the iceberg.....I don't know where I am supposed to head with my life. I don't know if I'm supposed to continue to love Brian, or if I"m supposed to be over him. Other guys express great interest, and I'm so cold and closed off to them. Is it truly because I am still so deeply in love with Brian, or is it truly because I'm so damaged from him? I don't know if I need to stay in Mebane, stay at my current job, or move to Charlotte and start work at a new job.

Basically, I feel like I don't know a damn thing. This is not a fun place to be ya'll. I'm used to feeling fairly in control. I'm used to working towards and looking forward to something, and lately, the only thing that I really seem to look forward to is crawling into bed and sleeping to escape having to think about any of these things.

I'll Stick with My Friends Forever

2005-11-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

New favorite song! "Stickwitu" by the Pussycat dolls. I've spent the past 48 hours catching up with four of my best friends in the world, and I have to say, that I seriously cannot remember the last time that I smiled so much, laughed so much, and had so much fun. It really got me to thinking about what truly makes me the most happy in life.

The more I experience life, the more I realize that friendships are the most priceless thing in this world. I feel like they are the most lasting and truthful relationships that you can ever have. Family and lovers, they may say 'I love you' but friends show it 'more than words' and more often than any family or boyfriend I've ever had. A good friend's love is turly unconditional.

So when I listen to this song by the Pussycat Dolls that you can hear playing on my main page......I'm not thinking about a boy. I'm thinking about my friends. " The way we ride in our private lives, ain't nobody gettin in between. Want you to know that you're the only one for me."

"Seems like everybody's breaking up and throwing their love away.

But I know I got a good thing right here, that's why I say...

Nobody gonna love me better

I'm gonna stickwitu forever

Nobody gonna take me higher

I'm gonna stickwitu

You know how to 'preciate me

I'm gonna stick wit you my baby

I'm gonna stickwitu..."

Solid Changes and Silver Linings

2005-11-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

Something strange has happened lately. I have stopped scrutinizing my life so much. I haven't been putting my actions or the actions of others under a microscope. Why that is...I have no idea. I think that, unknown to myself, I've actually, for the first time in my life, just let some things go. That, is kinda huge for me, because sometimes I have the tendency to hang on to things so tightly that I kill them.

I'm living life, not constantly analyzing it. Is the definition of a contented life, really just an unexamined one?

My life has kind of evened out. There's still some shitty shit, but there are some great things going on right now too. Overall, things are not spectacular, but they sure are better than they have been! Yeah, I still ache from the end of my relationship with Brian. But LIFE seems to know better what I need, than even I do most of the time. Maybe there is something to that whole 'when life closes a door it opens a window' thing.

One of the biggest stressors on my relationship with Brian was the fact that four of the people who are most important to me exited my life at the same time. Consequently, I became way to dependent on Brian. And it was too much for him.
Well, now I have been forced to find new friendships and it's been a much needed change in my life. I've begun to hang out with my co-workers from school several times a week. They have been the most supportive friends to me over the past several months and strong friendships are certainly developing there. It's a very "Elon-like" feeling. Friendships forming out of time spent together through the good and the bad. I also have begun to reach out to some other aquaintances that I feel I really could connect with. None of this would have ever happened if I had not been forced to do this. None of this would have ever happened if not for the break-up.

And that, is just one of the many silver linings that I have started to find in the hard events of the past three months.

Avian Bird Flu Symptoms

2005-11-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

Just so you're prepared!

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird
flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical
treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

hee hee! This is courtesy of Nicole! :)

"What's so funny!?"

2005-11-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

You have to check out this video clip. A gag played on some people thinking that they were getting their pic taken in a 'free photo booth'. So freakin hilarious!
Here it be:
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=91930474-9c71-4f48-a6c9-11a48382dd8e,39c3739d-3cd0-4502-8919-2d43e35ace78&t=m39&f=06/64&p=Entertainment_NBC%20Entertainment
ENJOY!

For the record

2005-10-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

One thing, that I have realized again and again in my life, is that I am truly blessed with THE MOST amazing friends that a guy could ever ask for.

The Son of A Preacher Man

2005-10-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

We are going to take a momentary break from the dating disasters of Mr. John Pickett to shine the spotlight upon my roomie, Miss E. Snell. She had quite the interesing date last evening.

So, she met this guy on match.com. Seemed like a nice guy, fairly cute, good conversation, and.....a student of divinity. Yes, that's right. A STUDENT OF DIVINITY. Patrick has always predicted that she would end up with a preacher. Could his prediction be coming true!? Erin wasn't sure about the date, but hey, she's down with G.O.D. and so was he. Maybe it would be a good match.

Start humming "the son of a preacher man" NOW.

Well, apparently he was a bit TOO invovled with THE BIG MAN.
For instance....Erin reports that he used the word, "Godly" very frequently throughout the course of the meal. And, when the meal came....he prayed over it. I have nothing against praying, but yo, that's just weird....PRAYING AT YOUR VERY FIRST DATE!
And then came the best part...it unavoidably came up that she lived with me, a gay man. And Mr. Godly strongly feels that one can 'pray away the gay'. In fact, they have programs at his church for just that. Well, clearly Esnell attempted to set him straight by gently sharing her opinions, but considering the fact that his family was very thankful that his sister had broken up with her athiest boyfriend, I doubt he'd change his mind about the homos being hellbound. If only Adam Smith had been present.

So, while nothing was gained by Esnell than a free meal and a funny story, at least she knows that she wasn't all alone on her date with Mr. Divinity, Jesus was with her too.

I miss...

2005-10-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

I miss calling you 'baby'.
I miss not having to wonder if I'm calling you too much.
I miss putting my hand on you leg while I drive.
I miss brushing our teeth together in the mirror.
I miss holding you.
I miss you holding me.
I miss thinking about our future.
I miss being your 'last call' each night.
I miss bragging about you to other people.
I miss rubbing your head.
I miss the 'tickle fights'.
I miss you making me listen to songs that made you think of me.
I miss waking up to your face in the morning.
I miss kissing you goodnight.
I miss believing that you loved me.

The other night

2005-10-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

I looked at you
and I couldn't believe my eyes.
A frown. Saddness. The corners of my mouth suddenly weighted to the floor.
My breath. I was forgetting to breathe.
I exhale and feel as though I may fall to the floor.
Flashback. August night. Goodbye. A kick in the gut.
Time stands still.
In a bad way.
The music is deafened by the buzz in my head.
The people. Slow-motion from my blurred sight.
It is a dream.
Lord, please let it be a dream.
A nightmare.
I walk away.
It is not a dream.
It's over. It's real. It's real. It's really over.
I looked at you,
and I couldn't believe my eyes.

I'm happy for him. I truly am. I want him to be happy...I just wish that he could find that happiness with me. I thought that I was doing SO well. I thought that I was getting over it. I should have known. The dates. The guys at the clubs. The few kisses I had since the break-up. Nothing. Dead. Dry. Empty. The only thing that I could think of in the very moment, as I was kissing someone other than Brian was...this isn't Brian. This isn't the person that I want to be with. Somehow though, I don't think that he was having those same thoughts as he kissed someone other than John......and as much as I know I have no claim to him anymore...it hurts me ever so much.

Sex on the D.L.: My Own Personal Story

2005-10-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

The title of this posting sounds like it should be a lifetime movie.

So, have you heard about this phenomenon called 'sex on the d.l.'? Well, if you haven't, then let me clue you in.

Apparently this is going on predominantly in the African-American community. 'Sex on the d.l.' is the term being used to describe the huge numbers of married African-American men that are sleeping with men on the side. It was all on Oprah, so you know it's true.

Anyway. Adam Smith had an experience with this on the hard streets of NYC, but I never expected to encounter it here in little old North Cackalacky. Leave it to Durham.

So, I was in Durham getting dinner with a friend when I had the very familiar urge to go and buy some TV on DVD (I'm so over buying movies on DVD, but totally addicted to complete sets of TV series). So I go to the closest Wal-mart. You know. The sketchy Durham one.

Well I don't know if it was the fact that I was holding season six of Sex and the City and The Muppets Take Manhattan in my hands or what, but somehow I was identifyed as a HOMOSEXUAL by this black man who approached me.

He came up to me and asked me if I was from Baltimore. I was wearing a fabulously comfy Baltimore hoody. I told him, 'No, that I had just visited some friends there.'
I then went back to perusing the $5.50 dvds. That's where a normal conversation would have ended.

But noooooo, he kept on asking me questions. "Where did I live?" "What did I do for a living?" "Did I like my job?" Needless to say, I was nervous. He shook my hand and told me that his name was Curtis. He was cute, but that didn't cancel out the fact that his middle name was undoubtedly 'shady'. Wallet still in back pocket? Check! I was totally ready for him to start telling me about a 'FANTASTIC NEW WAY TO MAKE MONEY ON THE SIDE BY SELLING CONSTORTED HOME PRODUCTS' or some other pyramid scheme like that. I was, in no way, prepared for what would come out of his mouth next.

He wanted to know if I wanted to 'go somewhere with him'.

"Excuse me?", I said.

"You know," he replied; looking me over from top to bottom, "I thought maybe you and I could go somewhere together after you finished your shopping."

Realization washed over my brain and I mumbled, "No, thank you." And basically ran my scared little whiteboy ass out of the Durham Wal-mart.

Ya'll...I swear all these fantastic stories of the ridiculous are 100% true! Sooner or later, they are bound to stop happening to me right!?!?!?!?!

2005-10-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hope is a hard plant to kill. You can cut it down, but it will always put forth new shoots.

In other words, to steal from a favorite film of mine 'Hope Floats'.

At least with me it does. As much as my optimism can be shaken and rattled by the hurt and disappointments in life, I think that the foundation of my belief in the future is much stronger.

I don't know where I garnered such faith. I'm really much more of a doubting Thomas in most aspects of my life. Do I believe in God? Kinda, but not strongly. Do I believe in marriage and love lasting for always? I think it can happen, but am awfully skeptical about it. But, do I believe that we can create meaning out of all of the things that happen to us, and through that lead ourselves daily to a better, more contented, more peaceful state? Abso-fucking-lutely. I have 190% faith in that.

So, what does that mean exactly? Does everything happen for a reason? Not sure. But could it mean that within everything that happens, we could FIND a positive reason for it's happening. I think so. I've learned alot in my life, but I have unquestionably learned more from the harsh things that have happened to me. Just because time weather's the coast, it doesn't mean it erodes it to be less, it simply means that it becomes more distinctly formed. When our coastline changes, we have the power to determine whether or not we will cling to regret, missing the way the shore once was, or we can look to the ocean to see what newfound surprises await in the coming tides,...looking for hope to float back up as it always will do if you let it.

Humpty Dumpty

2005-10-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

Date numero two.
Met this guy and decided that we would meet for coffee. I learned from my previous mistakes of committing a night to a UFG. Unidentified Freaky Gay.
So, coffee would be quick, breezy, and I could quickly identify all the escape routes.

He arrives and is cute, ya'll. A 29 year old professional from Hillsboro/Raleigh. He's charming. Just the right size. Incredible smile.

So, I do what any red-blooded all-american gay male does...I invited him back to my apartment. Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Aaaaafternoon delight.

We get back to the apartment and that, is when my lucky streak of pickin' winners continues. The dirty talk begins. And by dirty, I mean disgusting.

We are talking about something innocent like Brittany Murphy movies or something when suddenly he starts talking about how he likes to be dominated. How he wants to know if I'd give him an enema. Because he just looooves having an enema done to him.

I laughed. It was bizzare, but I thought that it was just a bizzare joke.

It wasn't.

He went on about wanting to be dominated.
He continued to go on about how he also likes to have guys take a dump on him during sex and wants to know if I think it would be hot to piss in his mouth. My jaw dropped.

He likes to be dominated. So...I kicked his ass out. How's THAT for domination!?

Dating is SOOO much fun, ya'll!! (Sarcasm...deeply inlaid with sarcasm)
I'm 0 for 2, right now.
Third time's the charm right?

One small step for mankind, One giant step for John

2005-10-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Certain things define a person.
It varies from person to person.
Some people define themselves by money. Some by recognition. Some by family; marriage even.
These are the things by which a person's self-worth is defined. It can't be right or wrong. It's completely personal
I have been doing alot of thinking about what defines me as a person; what drives me, motivates me, and fufills me.
My relationships define me.
And I don't necessarily mean my romantic attempts. I'm talking about the people in my life with whom I am intimate.
I absolutely measure myself and my happiness by my relationships, and I think that is one of the reasons why I feel so unsatisfied lately; so lost and directionless.

Things were going great by that barametor. I had this incredible relationship. I had a future. It trumped all others and filled me up with something to look forward to. Unfortunately, I put all of my proverbial eggs in one basket and it slipped, leaving nothing but a shattered mess.

Now I find that I have this apartment looking beautiful. Decorated for the fall and halloween. I've got a schedule that is wide open for opportunities to socialize and have fellowship with friends. The only thing missing is those intimate important relationships. One of my favorite things in the entire world has always been to have a crowed apartment of friends laughing and enjoying themselves. For months now, it's been horribly quiet.

So, I beleive, that this is why I feel like such a lost soul lately. There is nothing left for me here in Mebane, North Carolina. I've done all I can to open myself up to my family. The ball is completely in their court, and they've called an indefinite 'time-out'. Those relationships have frozen. My job; things there have changed. Schools never stay the same, people come and they leave, and the school evolves or devolves. My school is devolving. It's time to get out I feel. And friends here? Well, there is my incredible roomie, and she is happy here, developing friendships, dating, establishing herself in the community via church and school. That's her path, and sadly, there's no room in that life for a gay man like me. There's Patrick and Jeanette, but their time is here limited, and Brian; I love him, but I would be foolish to base any decisions at all on him.

So what does this all mean? It means that Operation: Get the Hell out of Mebane is commencing starting now. I don't know how I"m gonna do it and I don't know how long it will take to make it happen, but it's been decided. I can't afford to live on my own, I'm definitely gonna have to find a roomate and there are a million other important choices to consider...but this is for certain: There's no future here for me. I can't establish the friendships I need here, and I certainly can't find a mate. There's no guaruntee of it happening elsewhere. But is it going to happen here at all? Absolutely not. Is it more likely to happen in a more metropolitan city? Absolutely yes.

Website Says "You're Screwed"

2005-09-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

So, my roomie is having some success in the dating world via Match.com.
Talking to cute guys, soon to be lining up some dates; real impressed with Match.com's services.

So...........I thought, why not try it myself?! They have a 'man seeking men' category and the site makes it explicitly clear that this is not a sex engine site. It's a match-making service for dates. A far cry from the gay match-making sites I have tried in the past where I open up an email and have to avert my eyes from the gross peni flopped out across my screen.

Erego....yay for Match.com!!!

I log on to the site and fill out my profile...you know..your likes and dislikes...
Likes: college graduates, age 22-29, searching for something more than sex and hook-ups, no drugs, tattooes, etc. You know..completely reasonable requests.

I click on the 'search button' and get this message:

"There are currently no matches for your search, but don't give up hope just yet!"

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

What that is basically saying is...."We're sorry, but in a 60 mile radius of where you live, we couldn't find a single decent person! You, my friend, are shit out of luck and are best advised to prepare yourself for a life of lonliness. Buy a cat now, you poor miserable thing."

I can only laugh. I may be alone, but at least I still have my sense of humor!

New Vitality

2005-09-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

A month ago, exactly, I woke up to a new reality.

A month ago, I also looked out onto my balcony and thought that my white petunia was about to bit it. I researched what I should do, and found that I needed to cut back the shoots of the plant. I was to cut them back and leave only three inches sticking up out of the soil. I wasn't sure if this would be the best thing, and I also discovered that sometimes this does, in fact, kill the plant, but that the plant would most certainly die if I did not cut it back. So I took my scissors and sheared the poor thing.It looked miserable. Pathetic. Dead. Without hope to make it. I thought I had made a horrible decision that would ultimately result in the end of this plant.

Now, a month later, it is a healthy vibrant plant. A few days ago it had it's first new bloom. White. Pure. New. Healthy. Alive. Now there are dozens of beautiful white blooms gracing my view of the porch. If I had not made that tough decision, it would have most certainly died. Either way, I had made the intelligent decision and, luckily for me, it worked out for the best.

Clearly, I feel this is symbolic.

To answer your question....

2005-09-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing.

They ask me that as they grab my arm and give it a gentle sqeeze to go along with the well-intentioned, yet cartoonish sad face they make.

"I'm doing fine.", I say. I say that because that is the answer that they want to heare. That's the answer that will lead me to a place where I will feel better. That's the proper answer, because anything other than that is melodramatic. Any other response is ridiculous.

This is what I really want to say.

"I'M SHITTY. FUCKING SHITTY. I HATE MYSELF FOR MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING WHO I AM, THAT PERSON WHO ALWAYS HAS EXPECTATIONS THE HEIGHT OF MOUNT EVEREST. I HATE THE FACT THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FALL IN LOVE LIKE I DID AND NOW I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST CLUE HOW TO CRAWL OUT OF THE PIT IT'S LEFT ME IN. I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE CAN LOVE YOU AND MEAN IT AND MAKE ALL THESE PROMISES AND THEN IT ALL JUST GOES AWAY AND THE TWO OF YOU ARE FORCED TO ACT AS IF ALL THOSE PASSIONATE KISSES, INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS, AND INCREDIBLE MOMENTS NEVER HAPPENED. I HATE RELIVING ALL OF THOSE TIMES EVERYDAY AND BEING LEFT WITH THE FEELING THAT THOSE MOMENTS DON'T OCCUPY THE SAME IMPORTANT SPACE IN THE PERSON THAT I STILL LOVE. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY THAT I LET MYSELF BELIEVE ALL THAT BULLSHIT ABOUT LOVE LASTING AND BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER ALWAYS. I LET MY HEART MAKE A FOOL OF ME!!!! I AM ANGRY AT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL!! I STAY AWAKE IN BED LONG AFTER I LAY DOWN AND I WAKE UP WAY BEFORE MY ALARM GOES OFF, YET ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP EVERY FUCKING DAY AWAY BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ALL THE FUCKED UP EMOTIONS THAT I HAVE. I'M DOING SHITTY, SO FUCK OFF, EVEN THOUGH YOU MEAN WELL. FUCK OFF BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO PRETEND THAT I'M OK!"

So should you ask me how I'm doing, and I say "I'm fine", realize that means 'see above message."

Attempts

2005-09-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

I tried to be hard
but it's not in my nature...
I tried to be down
but I'm just a hopeful fool...
I tried to be cheerful
but the tears made my view blur...
I tried to love you
and I found it was easy...
I tried to tell you,
but I found I lost you.

The Script, Episode IV: Searching

2005-09-13T17:33:00.000-07:00

Scene 1, College classroom interior. Professor is at front concluding the Friday class. Bree is in the class. In front of her is an empty seat where John usually sits. We're in her head.

How is it that you can go your entire life without having known someone, and then the moment you meet them, you can't stop thinking about them? Can't even imagine how your life would have been without them. I was only a few weeks into my freshman year of college, and yet there was this small group of people that were my lifeline! Charmaine, Anthony, Hannah, even Penny. It was already hard for me to imagine my life without them. John too. I'd spent the least amount of time with him, but I kept finding my mind drift to him. Especially at moments when I was supposed to be thinking about truly important things like finding a solution for peace in the middle east (The professor is in the front of the class pointing at a map of the middle east and talking, but Bree continues to look out her window.) John kept disappearing. He'd be in the dorm playing music on his stereo, and the next thing you know, he'd be gone. Gone for days. He was a complete mystery. Compicated and troubled and I was hooked.

Professor: "So before we convene for classes again next Mondaay, you should have read the first half of 'Arab and Jew' and please post a response to your reading on the online message board. That's all for now folks. Enjoy the beauty of the fall this weekend!"

Girl in the seat behind Bree taps Bree on the sholder: "So, still no word on our missing fellow huh?"
Bree: "Nada. (she smiles) All of my vast connections at the CIA are coming up empty."
Girl: "Well, in orientation they did say that one out of every three of us wouldn't make it to graduation, but John biting it this soon is just ridiculous!"

Nanette was another new addition to my life. We met over the last cookie in Octagon Cafe. We had both reached for it at the same time and decided to sit down at a table and split it. Ingredients: one cookie, two strangers...and here was another someone I'd known for only a matter of days, but felt as if I'd known all of my life.

Bree: "Nanette, let's not count him out yet! 'Biting it'. That sounds so morbid! It's not like he's dead in a gutter somewhere."
Nanette: (frowning and getting up to leave) "Not that we'd know if he was." She pats Bree on the shoulder, "Well, one friend of mine thus far at college, are we still on for some girls gone wild birthday celebrating this weekend?!"
Bree: "Ha. I don't know about the 'girls gone wild' part...but I'm definitely up for helping my fellow northerner celebrate her first birthday in this strange land of dixie!"
Nanette: "Well, it sure won't be a night out in NYC like I"m used to, but we'll make do. I hear there is this local club called the lighthouse. SO...round up some Bree-approved people and I'll call you with more details later!"
Bree: "Uh oh. I've known you only a week and you're already trusting my appraisal of friends for your 19th bday?"
Nanette: "Hey...they have to be better than the math fellows that surrond me on my hall."
Bree: (joking) "I know! How on earth did you get chosen as a math fellow? You're so not a nerd."
Nanette: "I just hide it well! (heading out the door) See ya!"

Scene 2, Outside in front of a fountain. Beautiful fall day. Students busy about. Charmaine, Hannah, and Anthony sit around the fountain. Charmaine has a clipboard. She is watching the guys and girls that pass by. One really cute football build guy passses by and all three watch him pass.

Hannah: "It's too bad HE couldn't be your new roomate."
Charmaine: (with a dirty grin) "Who says he couldnt' be!?"
Anthony: (grabbing a paperback pamphlet from Charmaine's hands): "Um, I think this rule book does."
Charmaine: (under her breath) "I'm sure it also says something against arson."
Anthony: "Hmm?"
Charmine: (taking the book back and hitting Anthony on the head with it) "I said I'm sure they'd make an exception for someone with an arse like that on them!"
Hannah: "Ok, getting back to the business at hand though. How long do you have to select a roomate on your on before the housing board places someone with you randomly?"
Charmaine: "Um...from now until 8am Monday."
Anthony: "Approximately (looking down at his watch)64 hours and 50 minutes."
Charmaine: "Smartass."
Hannah: "Geez, that's really not a long time? Do you at least have some prospects?"
Charmaine: "Other than hot butt over there? Not a one. It's priority numero uno this weekend. Operation: Find Charmaine a Roomate."
Anthony: "How about Operation: Get an A in English?"
Charmaine: "No, you don't understand. You will all feel the awful effects of Hurricane Charmaine if I get stuck with another 'Katie' for the rest of the semester. You will feel the agony."
Anthony: "Somehow I don't doubt that. (Looking at Hannah) Do you?"
Bree, walking up from class: "Not one bit. This is at the top of my 'to do' list. SO what do we do?
Charmaine: "Well, (taking out tons of computer printed flyers, and handing binoculars and disposable cameras to her friends) we'll start with these. There are incentives for you guys listed on page 5, section 2. Whosoever introduces me to my future roomate will be given all of the restaurant gift cards that my family sent me for when I got tired of the on campus dining. Alrighty troops! Let's synchronize our watches!"

Scene 3, Virginia Dorm. Outside of Hannah's dormroom. Her door is shut and locked. Noel is waiting outside impatiently. Gus walks by.

Noel: "Hey dude. Have you seen Hannah?"
Gus just walks on by. Penny is seen further down the hall.
Noel: (louder this time) "Hey asshole! Have you seen my girlfriend!?"
Gus turns around this time and looks blankly at Noel and says LOUDLY: "Huh? Sorry, I can't hear a damn thing! I was at this frat party last night. Banging band. Banging speakers. Banged the hearing right out of my ears for now. It was fucking awesome."
Noel: visibly agiated, but Gus is clueless: "HAVE. YOU. SEEN. HANNAH?"
Gus: (shaking his head) "Not a damn clue what you're saying. Sorry man!"
Noel throws back his head and groans.

Penny has been approaching this whole time from her end of the hall.
Penny: "Noel, right?"
Noel: "Yeah, you're, uh, Jenny?"
Penny: "Close, but no, I'm Penny."
Noel: "Oh right. Penny. Have you seen Hannah?"
Penny: "I think she had lunch plans with some of the gang from the hall."
Noel: "That's so like her. Choosing to spend time with her friends instead of me."
Penny: "Um, well. Did she know that you were coming?"
Noel: "No, it's a surprise. I like to surprise her. I don't know why I bother to do it though when she's hardly ever here. Probably out with some other guy right now."
Penny: (Firmly) "You know. I've seen you, and Jesus has seen much more than I. I don't like what I've seen, and I"m pretty sure that the lord's seen the worst of it."
Noel: "What the hell are you talking about you nutted out bitch!?"
Penny: "Just know that I like Hannah alot. I've been watching you and I will be watching you and Jesus and I both have her back. (she starts to walk away and then turns back around) And I know jujitsu!"
Penny walks away leaving Noel stunned.

Scene 4, Mission Impossible Music plays. This is montage of Charmaine, Bree, Hannah, and Anthony across the campus. Talking to students. Posting bulletins that say "Roomie Wanted for Newly Renevated Dorm Room, All inquirers elligable for $1,000 drawing!". Snapping pictures of random strangers with their disposable cameras. Jotting notes on their clipboards and scanning the campus with their binoculars.

Scene 5, Bree and Hannah are walking along passing out the flyers in the halls of the Student Center.
Hannah: "There's no way that we can get in trouble for this is there? I mean, Charmaine's bulletin. (holding one up and pointing to the $1,ooo.) That's total fraud!"
Bree: (laughing) "Well I will admit that Charmaines's methods are suscpect, but no, I don't think that we can get in trouble. I mean all inquiries go to her yahoo email account so I think we're all good."
Hannah: "Whew. Ok, that a relief. Charmaine. She's something else."
Bree: "Yeah, I love her. I mean I really do. I love her like a sister."
Hannah: "From what I hear, she's not the only one who is getting the Bree-love."
Bree: "I don't know what you are talking about!"
Hannah: "How about Johnny John John?"
Bree: (stopping and speaking very firmly) "THAT is not love. I will admit that I am heavily 'in like' but I draw the line there. I mean how could I love someone who isn't even around?! My feelings for him can be described wiht an 'l' word and that word rhymes with bike not dove."
Hannah: "I've got something for you that rhymes with 'love' then..."
Bree: "What's that?"
Hannah playfully shoves Bree: "If you give him some of your good loving, then maybe he'd stick around a while!"
Bree playfully shoves Hannah back and Hannah winces.
Bree: "I'm not like that. I can't just put myself out there. Not for something as small as 'like'...even if it's just to have some fun. And I definitely can't put myself out there for something like love. (Bree stops noticing that Hannah has stopped and is in some pain) Hannah? I"m sorry! I didn't realize I pushed you so hard!"
Hannah: "Oh, it's not you. I got banged up a little the other night. I'm still bruised."
Bree: "'Banged up'? What happened?"
Hannah: "Oh, it was just Noel. You know...he gets really into it when we're doing it."
Bree: "No, I don't know. What do you mean 'he gets really into it'?"
Hannah: "Well he can be a little rough sometimes. He doesn't realize he's being so harsh with me...he's just a guy. So into the sex. So turned on. He can't control himself."
Bree: "Hannah, that's not normal. If he is hurting you when you two are making love. That's not right. That's not normal. That's not something that you should have to put up with."
Hannah: "I appreciate the concern, but really, Bree, I've been in this relationship with Noel for over five years now. I think I'm the expert on him."
Bree: "Is it only during sex?"
Hannah: "What do you meant?"
Bree: "Is it only during sex that he gets this way?"
Hannah: "Jesus, Bree. Who are you all of a sudden, Barbara Walters?"
Bree: "No, but you do look like you are about to cry. And Penny. Penny said that she saw him hit you the other night after you guys got back from a date or something."
Hannah: "What?!"
Bree: "Penny came to Charmaine and I and said that she saw Noel hit you. I didn't. We didn't believe her at all, but Hannah...come on. Did he?"
Hannah: "Noel isn't perfect. No one is. He loves me and I love him and we accept each other's faults. I don't want to talk about this anymore. We are supposed to be finding Charmaine a roomate. Let's go! We want to win those gift cards!" With that, Hannah walks off and starts talking to a random student leaving Bree standing there stunned.

Scene Six, Charmaine and Anthony are at the library, whispering as they continue their search....
Anthony: looking through his binoculars, speaking in an Australian accent: "Watch the native underclassman as they type away feverishly at their computer cubicles. Notice the ferocity in their eyes, the determination to go in for the kill!"
Charmaine: "Shhhhh. You're gonna make us look like idiots."
Anthony: "You're right. Me. Talking like that is going to make us look like idiots. Us looking like idiots will have absolutely NOTHING to do with all the flyers, and binoculars, cameras, and stealthy manuevers!"
Charmaine: "Shhhhh! This one looks like a nice prospect!"
Anthongy: "Charmaine. I love you, but this is exhausting. What about this girl Nanette? Bree's friend who's having the birthday thingie?"
Charmaine: "No good, I tried that avenue already. She's happy with her roomate and doesn't want to go through all the hassle of moving again. Besides she is Bree's friend."
Anthony: "Well we are going to dispose with 'the great hunt' long enough to go out with Bree and Nanette and everyone tonight right?"
Charmaine: "Of course. Besides, this club will probably be a prime spot for locating targets."
Anthony: "You're certifiable."
Charmaine: "A certificable GENIUS! Cmon' let's focus. We've only got forty-five minutes to drop off out pictures and meet the gang back at Virginia for de-briefing. Oh shit..I did't plan for the one-hour developing. Anthony, we may not make it out to the club tonight!"
Anthony: "Oh no. MY ASS will be making it there."
Charmaine: "You know what I heard though? I heard it was a club by night, but a seafood restaurant by day...so don't get your hopes up."
Anthony: "Please, anything will be better than this insanity."

Scene Seven, Penny and Bree's apartment. Penny, and Nanette are there. Penny is reading a Youth Bible and Nanette is checking herself out in the mirror. Penny: "Bree should be back soon."
Nanette: "That's cool. You sure you don't mind if I hang out until she gets back?"
Penny: "No. Not at all, I'm just going to sit here and quietly do my devotions."
Nanette: Looking in the mirror over her shoulder at Penny: "I actually have that same edition. My mom got it for me when I turned sixteen. You sure you don't want to go out with us tonight?"
Penny: (shocked)"No. I wouldn't dare give my support establishments that serve alcoholic beverages!"
Nanette: "Um, ok. Suit yourself!"
Bree arrives carrying a bakery box.
Bree: "I'm sorry I'm a little late, but I had to stop by the mall and pick THIS up!"
Bree opens the box and there is a cookie cake!
Nanette: "Omygod! That's so sweet! (hugging Bree) Thank you!"
Bree: "Well, I thought that I owed you a cookie since you shared yours."
Nanette: "Hey, that was ours. Fifty fifty. You don't owe me anything."
Bree: "Well, just the same..Happy Birthday!"
Nanette: "Thanks! SO...is it just the two of us going out? I mean, that's fine if that's the case. I hear this great band called MBB or something is playing tonight."
Bree: "No, Anthony and Charmaine and Hannah should be here soon. And I called John...but got his voicemail. I left a message telling hime where we would be and to meet us there if he wants."
There is a knock on the door. Bree says come in and it is Hannah. She does not seem to be in the greatest mood.
Bree: "Hey Hannah! You remember Nanette?"
Hannah (very short) "Yes, Happy Birthday Nanette. Penny? May I speak with you for a moment?"
Penny (raising her head out of her bible): "Me? Sure? Absolutely!? (her normal perky self) What's up?!"
Hannah: "I need to speak with you out here in the hall please." Hannah turns and goes into the hallway. Penny follows, socially oblivious to the tension that Nanette and Bree so easily pick up on. Charmaine and Anthony are coming in the door as Hannah and Penny walk out and Hannah closes the door.
Charmaine: "Woah. What's going on?"
Bree: "NO CLUE!"
Anthony: "Well, we can find out!" Anthony runs through the bathroom that connects Penny and Bree's door to Charmaine's room. The girls stand there for a moment, and then quickly follow. They listen from in Charmaine's room, because the door is open to the hallway.
The camera pans from Charmaine's room to Penny and Hannah's conversation in the hallway.

Hannah (full of anger): "I don't care what you said to him or what you think about me or my boyfriend, you need to keep your goody two shoes little nose out of my business!"
Penny: "Hannah, I was just concerned...after what I SAW! I care about you...I don't want you hurt!"
Hannah: "You don't want me hurt!? Ha! Do you have any idea how much my relationship with Noel could be damaged from the fight that we had!? All because of what you said in the hallway to him today! He thinks that I am saying bad things about him to my friends!"
Penny: "Hannah, I never said that you had said a thing. I only..."
Hannah: "And about my friends! Keep your mouth shut about me. Don't talk about me to them! Don't try to cause trouble and drama and get them all concerned about me! I want you to leave my life alone, and leave me alone! Have you got it?!"
Penny: "Hannah, I'm sorry. I was only trying to help."
Hannah: "There is nothing TO help. I'm fine. Noel is fine. He LOVES me! You have no idea how hard that is to find! MY RELATIONSHIP IS FINE! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go inside and help Nanette celebrate her Birthday. I never plan on discussing this with you again. I never plan on speaking to you again. Goodnight."
Hannah starts to walk back towards Bree and Penny's dorm room.
The gang in Charmaine's room hustles back to Bree and Penny's room. They make it just in time, as Hannah opens the door, wiping tear from her eyes and attempting to compose herself.
Hannah: "Are you guys ready to go out?"

Scene Seven: Nanette, Hannah, Anthony, Charmaine, and Bree are walking across the campus. It is late at night and they are on their way to "The Lighthouse".
Anthony: "I"m telling you Charmaine. This girl...I don't remember her name, but she is perfect for you. She's also a science fellow, she's smart, she likes Better than Ezra, she doens't smoke......."
Bree: "No, Charmaine..Hannah and I found the MOST compatable girl! She's down to earth, not the least bit flighty, she's intelligent...ALSO a non-smoker, ALSO a science fellow..."
Anthony:(interrupting) "Is she a Better than Ezra fan though?!? Did you ask her that!?"
Bree: "Well, no. We didn't ask her that. But.."
Hannah quietly to Charmaine: "When did they get so into this?!"
Charmaine: "Beats me. I guess this is what campus food will drive you to!"
Anthony: "Aha! Aha! Charmaine...they didn't ask her THAT! 'Does potential roomie enjoy the musical styling of the New Orleans based rock group called Better Than Ezra?' That was a question on the compatabilty survey with an asterick beside it! That meant that it was a heavily weighted question!"
Bree: "NO! Of equal importance was study habits! You said you 'weren't sure' about this girls study habits, but Hannah and I grilled our girl on study habits! I mean we GRILLED her!"
Charmaine: "Will you guys knock it off already!? I"m so exhausted from everything. This roomate search was ridiculous! I don't know why I thought it would work. I'm such a dumbass. I'm just ready to go out tonight. Have some fun, and get my mind off of all of this nonsense."
Hannah: "Um, well, Charmaine. That may be hard to do."
Bree: "Shhh!"
Charmaine: "Why's that?"
Bree: "Hannah! It was supposed to be a surprise! Well, Hannah and I invited our numero uno potential roomate out with us tonight! We thought it would be a great chance for you to get to know her and decide that she's your future bestie!"
Anthony: "Foul play! Foul play! You, Miss Snow are a CHEATER! A CHEATER!"
Bree: "I AM NOT!"
Anthony: "Are too! This was deemed as an evening outside of the operation!"
Bree: "No, no no. That was never specified!"
Nanette: "Ok guys...we're here. Can we all just chill out!?"
Charmaine: "Yes...please."
The gang enters The Lighthouse.

Scene Eight, Lighthouse Interior...MBB is playing as the gang enters.
Nanette: "Woooo! This place is already rocking!"
Charmaine: (a smile spreading across her face) "I think I am gonna love this place."
Bree: (to Charmaine) "Keep your eyes pealed for a short brunette."
Hannah: "You still don't remember her name?"
Bree: "Nope. You?"
Hannah: "Out of all the people from today...no way I'm gonna remember just one."
Nanette: "Let's get close to the stage!"
Anthony: "Ok, I'm coming with you!"
Charmaine: "We'll stick to the back...I need some personal space as I get my bearings."
Hannah: "And to find a vantage point for roomate viewing?"
Charmaine: (smiling) "You got it, sister!"
Bree: "And she's back!"
Nanette (running back to them from the front): "Ohmygod Bree. Watch out! You're never gonna believe it! Anthony's potential is here! He's bringing her right now to meet Charmaine!"
Bree: "No way! Ok (scanning the crowd). Where's OUR girl!?
Hannah: (tapping Bree on the shoulder) "Um, Bree...Anthony's girl IS out girl!!"
Bree: "What?! No way!?"
Hannah: "Yep. The two 'perfect roomates for Charmaine' are one and the same!"
Nanette: "Get out!"
Charmaine: "Well then! I've got to meet her! She must be the one then!"
Anthony (shoving the perfect potential up towards Charmaine): "Here she is! Here she is Charmaine! You're. New. Roomate! (casting a mean look at Bree) This is Tara Tudler! Bio Major, non-smoker, and lover of BTE!"
Tara: (to Bree and Hannah) "Bree! Hannah! I've been looking for you two!!"
Anthony (confused) "What?!"
Nanette: "You and Bree picked the same person."
Anthony: "No way!"
Charmaine: "Way. Damn, ya'll! Ya'll really know me don't you!?"
Bree: (smiling along with Nate) "Yeah, I guess that we do."
Charmaine: "It's nice to meet you Tara! Let's get to know each other!"
Tara: "Sure thing, roomie!"
Hannah: "Looks like the three of us will be splitting those gift cards!"
Nanette: "And you could always take me out for my birthday!"
John: (arriving through the crowd)"Do you think that I could get in on the free food action?"
Hannah: "John!!"
Nanette: "Yay! The infamous John!"
John: "You must be Nanette. (handing her a card) Happy Birthday!"
Nanette: "Thanks! He comes bearing gifts! I like him already!"
Bree: (to John) "I'm so glad you made it! We weren't expecting you at all."
John: "Well I got your message, and I decided that it might be a good idea to come out."
Bree: (smiling)"Trust me. Coming out to us is going to be the best choice you've made so far this year!"
John: "Alright. Let's dance."

The gang dances to the sounds of MBB as the show fades to black.

JuneBug

2005-09-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

E and I saw a great movie in Chapel Hill tonight. I didn't know much about it, other than the fact that it was filmed in the triad and that Dave and I were asked to be extras in it when we were walking around the Greensboro mall by a production assistant.

Yeah right, we thought. What a scam.
Now I'm reading about all the Oscar buzz that it's getting!
So I saw it tonight and it is a great film; quite possibly the best film that I have ever seen about the contemporary southern family dynamic. It's called Junebug and I would call it the "Garden State" about the south. It all takes place here in central NC along the 85/40 corridor....lots of familiar sights.
It's also cool because one of the main characters (the star of the O.C.) works at Replacements Limited in the film and part of the movie was actually shot there!

It's a movie that reminds you that family is like a coil...the closer you live together the more necessary it will be to spring far apart, but that you will always come back together, because in a family, that's just inevitable.

Go see it. It will definitely be worth your time.

The Cucumber Revelation

2005-09-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

I bought cucumbers to cut up and put in my pasta salad that I am making tonight.
I went to Wal-mart, and all they had were these small cucumbers. The sign said that they were 'pickling cucumbers'. I thought to myself, How odd...pickled cucumbers!

I came home, unloaded the groceries, and promptly began working on my pasta salad. I'm chopping up the cute little 'pickling cucumbers' when Erin says, "Those are some tiny cucumbers! Are they for pickling?"

"I dunno.", I replied, "Isn't that strange though? Pickled cucumbers? I've never heard of such a thing."

And then, much like the time I found out "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" was the same tune as "The ABC Song" my world stood still. Erin revealed to me that PICKLES ARE PICKLED CUCUMBERS!!!

I never knew this! I don't know where I thought pickles came from...but I never made the cucumber connection. It all makes so much sense though!

Music Therapy

2005-09-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Dealing better each day. Nothing expresses feeling better than music.

"A little piece of heaven turns to dark." -Listen to your Heart by D.H.T.

"Cause it's you and me and all of the people and I just can't seem to keep my eyes off of you." - You and Me by Lifehouse

"I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go. Somedays I make it through and then there's night's that never end. I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me, but still I have to say that I would do it all again. I just want you to know..." ~Just Want You to Know by Backstreet Boys

"Summer has come and passed. The innocent can never last. Wake me up when September ends." ~Green Day

"And everytime you hear the rollin thunder, you turn around before the lightning strikes. And does it ever make you stop and wonder if all your good times have passed you by?" ~Good is Good by Sheryl Crow

"Cause tomorrow's another day and I'm thristy anyway...so bring on the rain." Bring on the Rain -Jo Dee Messina

"I know it sound's trite, but I've seen the light! Bye bye love! I'll catch you later! Got a lead foot down on the accelerator and my rear view mirror torn off and I ain't looking back and that's a fact! I've tried all I can imagine. I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion. I've got pride and I'm taking it for a ride! Bye bye. Bye bye my baby bye bye! I've lost the game I guess. I did my best to win the part, now I'm leaving here with what's left of my heart!" ~Bye Bye Love by Jo Dee Messina

"After all was said and done there was nothing left to do.
The hardest I ever walked was the one I walked away from you.
So maybe I'm a little ragged around the edges and I've been keeping a little more to myself these days, but...
I'm alright. Shot down, but I'm still standing! I'm alright. A little banged up from the fall! But, I'm alright. Still shaky from the landing, but I'm alright after all."
~I'm Alright by Terri Clark

"I wish that things were different.
You know that,
but I'm still happy for the times we had.
You mean the world to me
Baby please believe,
I wish you strength when times are hard
I wish with all my heart you find
just what you're looking for.
I wish you joy.
I wish you peace
and that every star you see is within your reach,
and I wish you still loved me."

I Wish by Jo Dee Messina

I was a stupid mule

2005-09-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

"This is the heart that harbors the hardness, that lives in the house that passion built."
~The Wonder Book of The Air

I am filled with bad feelings all the damn time. This long weekend is killing me. I'm sad or I'm bitter or I'm angry or just plain spaced out. We've got visitors here, and I don't know if that makes it harder or less difficult. I'm angry at myself for being so naive as to believe in love. There was a time that I didn't. From all my fucked up family relationships, I knew that it was just a fantasy. I knew that love was a delusion. A mirage in the dessert that you would work your way toward all of your life until the day you realize that it doesn't exist. I knew this. I knew this!

But I let myself get suckered in, because really...who doesn't want to believe that the fairy tale is real? Who doesn't want to fall in love with someone and hope that the comfort, the laughter, and the passion will last forever? It's an addiction, a narcotic. It's unhealthy. I always knew that the best way to go through life was alone. Learn to need and be happy only with yourself. I knew this, but I let my guard down and let myself believe. Faith is another word for foolish. I am mad at myself for being so weak and stupid.

I read this this weeekend:
"He would be grinding cane. Had this old albino mule. And the man would rig up this thing off his harness, a carrot on a stick, a turnip, whatever. And it always seemed horrible to me to fool the mule like that. A horrible thing to see, that mule going around and around with his eyes blinded so he could only see straight ahead. I've always felt that's what love is like. I've always felt like it's something you never get, it's just the idea that keeps you going."

So this is how I feel. Enlightened, really.....Falling in love and believing that it can last is just building your house on a hill of sand.

8 Ways to deal with Heartache

2005-08-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

I'm no expert, but as far as I can tell, these are some of the things that are helping.....so, if you're reading this and have recently found yourself without a heart, breath, and love in your life...follow these simple instructions....

8 Ways to Deal with Heartache

8. Watch Sex and the City Marathons to help you di-sect your burned out relationship.
7. Watch Closer......relationships suck
6. Wash all things that have retained the scent of your boyfriend. Smelling him unexpectedly may reduce you to tears.
5. Listen to all of those CDs that he burned you. Listen to them and cry cry cry until you can't cry anymore. That way, you won't suddenly burst in to tears should you hear the instrumental version at your local pharmacy.
4. Fuck your budget. Spend the g's on booze, clothes, booze, food, gas to get the hell out of dodge, and booze.
3. Go to work. Pour yourself into your job. You absolutely will not stop thinking about him all day, but going to work is so much better than staying at home. 12 hour days at a minimum.
2. Get away. Run away as fast as you can, it won't go away, but you can pretend that it can. Leave your apartment, house, shack, etc...because in every corner is a reminder.
1. Lean on your friends. Don't let yourself be alone. Your friends will see you through, especially those who have been through this themselves. If they call you to demand that you go out...follow their instructions. Listen to their advice. They will have plenty, but there may be a few golden nuggets of wisdom amidst all of it.

Dreams

2005-08-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

So I had the most amazing dream last night. It definitely made me want to sleep more again. I dreamed that everything was back to normal. That Brian and I were together and times were good. It was one of the best dreams I've ever had.

I woke up this morning and before I even opened my eyes, sad reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Before I thought of anything else, before I moved a muscle, my first thought of the day was of Brian and how much I miss him.

I really want to go back to sleep and get back to that dream.

Acceptance

2005-08-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

Deranged John is slowly evaporating and leaving my body. Life is flowing back into me with each breath. I think I have cried out the majority of the pain. I don't feel like a million dollars, but I'm more than marginally better.

I beared the grief, walked through the denial, and now I think I'm reaching a point of acceptance.

Brian and I had great times together. Memories that I will always always look back on as some of the happiest times of my life. Tonight I was able to listen to CDs he burned me without crying. Many of them actually made me smile.

Things will be ok. I'm sure that I will have my moments in the coming weeks and months, and I absolutely love Brian and would try to work things out if he ever wanted that, but that is something over which I have absolutely no control. We would have probably broken up later on in the fall with the increased pressures of his classes and school. At least we did it before things got any worse and blame was thrown about.

Right now I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to focus on relegating my relationship with Brian to it's new status of close friendship. There will be many more years of good memories with him...just not with him as my baby...and I am just going to have to be fine with that.

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all???

Absolutely positively f-ing YES. These couple days of pain are so worth the relationship that preceded them. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I still can't eat

2005-08-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

I still can't eat. I still haven't slept. I am a crazy person. Completely pathetic. What am I supposed to do? I sit here in a quiet empty apartment. Life goes on with everyone else just like normal. My world has ended. I can't stop crying. I can't think about anything other than how sad I am and how wrong this feels. I only want Brian. How weak am I!? Whether as a friend or more, talking with him and being with him is the only thing that I feel can make me feel better, but I can't seem to get him. Anyway, I'm not his problem anymore to worry about. I have made sure of that haven't I. Never before did I have to worry, "am I calling too much?!"..."is he annoyed at me?!"...because I knew that he loved me and that even if we argured we would make up in the end. Now that is far from being likely. How did this happen? How did I let it happen?

Regret

2005-08-26T03:38:00.000-07:00

I can't do this. I thought I could. I thought that I was smart enough, logical enough, realisitc enough to follow through with this, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Breaking up with Brian was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life.

A new emotion is breaking through the depression...REGRET. The strongest feelings of regret I've ever had.

The breakup has it's positives. Number one, it has made me realize just how truly and deeply I love Brian. I knew that I loved him, but I had no idea how physically and emotionally embedded he was in me. It literally feels like I've been scanned with some device that has left me empty of all the places in my body that used to be filled up with his love. That had become such a part of my structure that I'm now left shaky, sleepless, and numb. I can't eat. I've NEVER been unable to eat. I never imagined such a physical reaction. Strange, that I would list this as a positive, but what it has done is made me realize that this is the real deal that I had. It's not me being overdramatic. I love Brian with every fiber in my body and now that I realize that so clearly, if we got back together I would be better equiped to give him what he needs. Through this, I've reached a new understanding of his position and have discovered just how devoted I am AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN to making this work.

Last night I went bowling with Brian and friends, mostly his friends. It felt so wrong. Not to be able to say 'I love you'. Not to be able to call him 'baby'. Not to be able to just reach across, touch him, and let my love for him flow through my fingers. It felt like we were both just pretending to be broken up. Perhaps I'm just in the 'denial' phase of grief. I don't know. I do know one thing now that I hadn't realized before. I want to be with Brian, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove to him that I can handle it. He's worth that much to me.

I just pray for that opportunity. I don't know what is going on in his head....and that's the worst of it. I know him better than most people on the planet, but suddenly...I haven't the faintest idea of what is going on inside of him.

What's that old creed? I think it will be my mantra for dealing with this.

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

Heartbroken

2005-08-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

I now know the true definition of that word.

I broke up with Brian.

It seems that we never hardly see each other anymore. The pressures
of his job, my job, etc.....are just too much. I get mad when he's
late (which he can't control). I get mad when he wants to spend time with
his friends instead of me because I see him so little lately (but he needs
to spend time with his friends and most definitely should). He hasn't been over
to my place in a week and a half. It's become our jobs to 'give give give' and
we're both at a point where we have both given out. The good quality times together come so infrequently and at high cost in-between.

It's no one's fault. I'm at a point in my life where I can make him my
number one priority, but he's not in a place where he can do that for me. That's just the way it is...and I can't blame him. At 19 I would have been the same way.

We talked about it forever last night and neither of us see it getting any better as he goes back to school and attempts to work full time.
We both still love each other very much, but don't think that this is
fair to either one of us. That's why it's all just so damn sad. Neither of
us are mad at the other. It's no one's fault. It's just all so very very sad. We need a new word to describe how filled with sorrow I am.

In the end, I guess love just isn't always enough. That shakes me to my core.

Both of us also agree that this isn't the end. We
are each other's best friend and we both agreed that you never know
what the future holds. If we are meant to be then maybe we will be again one
day. I, for one, would really like that.

Right now I've just got to focus on getting through the saddness of
losing my longest and most serious relationship ever and the greatest guy I've ever met.

Please think of me or pray for me....whatever you do..just keep me in your thoughts.
I'm having a really difficult time and can't seem to keep the tears in. Brian has become such a part of my daily life that I don't know how to function without him.

I really thought that he was 'the one' and this feels like a death.

Love,
John

Whys?

2005-08-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a whole lot of thinking lately....a dangerous past time to be sure.
("To be sure?"...am I Irish now?)
There are alot of unanswered questions in my life. Mysteries, if you will, that keep me up long after I should have fallen asleep.

Why do people cheat instead of just breaking it off?
Why can't I keep a Beta fish alive when I always follow the feeding and care guidelines to a T?
What does the light switch in my hallway do? It sure as hell doesn't turn on any lights.
Why does my cell phone sometimes just decide to light up while laying about on the coffee table, or counter?
Why is my walkman dead every time I go to use it when I swear I just put fresh batteries in it the last time I used it?
Why does everyone like watermelon so much?
Why don't I like watermelon when everyone else loves it so f-ing much?!?

I guess you just have to conceed that there are some questions that may go forever unanswered.

The Facts

2005-08-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

So here are the facts

Fact #1 Accusations of Brian cheating on me have been running rampant.

Fact #2 My minions tracked the origin of these rumors down to one source.

Fact #3 I confronted the source and he admitted to having said and spread things about Brian cheating and even had said that Brian tried to get with him, but upon my confronting him, the source admitted that none of it was true. He simply made those things up because, in his own words, "I just lie all the time without thinking much about what comes out of my mouth".

Fact #4 Brian and I are back to 'happily ever after' status.

On the Down Low

2005-08-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

So I have this friend. Let's call him Chad. We were friends all through college. He dated girls all through college and one girl in particular to whom he is now engaged to be married. All sweet and great until you consider the fact that he has been hooking up with guys on the down low.

Have I been witness to this? No. But I have heard it from one reliable source after another for a time span of six years now. I defended him initially, but you can only defend someone for so long when their profile has been spotted on gay.com.

So by this point, there is this huge number of people in and around our circle of friends that know this about Chad. But his poor fiance...as far as I know...hasn't a clue.

I emailed Chad about this some time ago. I told him of the things I had heard, and offered him my ear if he needed to talk. He never replied.

So blog voyers of the world. What do I do? I don't want to get into the business of Chad and his fiance (We'll call her Kelly). However, I just HATE the thought that this poor girl is being cheated on over and over by this guy. He's so public about his affection and devotion to her, but clearly that's a load of bull when his gay.com profile says something to the effect of "I"m in a relationship: deal with it; but let's fuck around anyway".

If I were Kelly, and all of these other people knew of this. I would want to know. I wouldn't want to be treated like a fool. However, the one thing that I think about is....what if it isn't true. There's the slightest chance that this is false. If that is the case though...whey didn't Chad emamil me back about it?

Do I tell Kelly? Or do I just bite my tongue and stay the hell out of it?

A Filthy Experience

2005-08-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

So...Brian and I decided to be all homo and buy tickets to the NCGLBT Film Festival...that stands for the North Carolina Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender or as I like to think...Nerdy Cologned Gay Losers Balding Terribly....

Needless to say it was just a gathering of fags who are too old and pudgy to show their asses at the club on a weekend night. SO CLEARLY I fit in nicely.

We go there and one of the movies that we (i.e. BRIAN) chose to go see is this flick called "Exposed: The Making of a Legend". This said 'legend' is a porno called "Buckleroos" and the movie was a documentary about the creation of this film.

I wasn't thrilled bout going. But we went. I thought to myself, "Self,this is a documentary ABOUT the porno business. It is NOT a porno and there will undoubtedly be no erect men massaging each others peni.

It was pretty much a porno.

I was SOOO grossed out. I mean, I have absolutely NOTHING against pornos. They serve their purpose and have been there for me many times over the years. However, I feel they should be enjoyed in the privacy of one's own home and viewed solitarily or, at the very most, by loving couples....NEVER SHOULD A PORNO BE VIEWED WITH A GROUP OF 100 PLUS STRANGERS!!!

The worst of it was this nasty old perv who was sitting beside me. His breath reeked of cigarettes and alcohol and to make matters worse, he was a 'heavy breather'. I guess he was really excited by what he was seeing. So I'm sitting there holding my breath as best I can and trying to ignore the disgustingness around me, when, out of the corner of my eye I catch this nasty perv looking STARING right down at my crotch!!!! I said to myself, "Self, you must be over-reacting. Perhaps he merely had a crick in his neck." Well, apparently he had a crick in his neck every time there was something dirty on the screen!!!!! Each time the guys on the screen got hot and heavy...heavy nasty breather would check out my lap to see if he could make out a woody in my pants!

I went home and showered the filth of the night away as best I could.

The "Oweneres" Conspiracy

2005-07-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is going to be hard for some of you to accept. However, I ask you to keep an open mind. Don't try to take it all in at once. After you've finished reading just get a glass of water, sit down, and let THE TRUTH wash over you.

Exhibit A: A photo of Ellen Degeneres

Exhibit B: A photo of Ellen with her pal Ben Stiller

oh wait.....that's NOT Ellen...it's Owen Wilson...ALLEGEDLY

Have you ever noticed that they never appear together? Coincidence? I think NOT!!
I mean, if you take the "Ell" out of Ellen and replace it with an "Ow" what do you get?!? OWEN. Owen likes the ladies and what do you know?! Ellen also has a taste for the lovely ladies! Take a seat people! Take a SEAT!!

Check out the evidence for yourself people!! Ellen and Owen are ONE!

Baltimore is the new London

2005-07-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

I sit here as the sky pours buckets, watching a marathon of my Felicity DVDs, recovering from my fantastic trip to Baltimore.

Baltimore is my new London. In London, I felt very much at home. I loved being able to walk out my door and traverse the pavement on my own two feet to any destination that I desired. I loved the people (by which of course I mean the divine Erin Thompson and the stellar Charles Black), the river, the art, and the culture. Then and now, I truly wanted to live in London.

I feel very similarly about Baltimore. I had high hopes for Los Angeles and NYC, but their magic never held me as London's had. But Baltimore...It meets all of the qualifications. Like London, Barcelona, and Prague before that, I have a new city love, and its name is Baltimore.

Speaking of London....I'm so deeply saddened by the attacks on the Tube and the double decker bus. I hope that all of my friends over there are save and secure from harm. One of the Undergound spots hit was Edware Rd. This stop was the one up from where I lived! I don't understand violence and terrorism as a means to an end, but above that, I most especially don't understand attacking innocents! The bus system of London is not used by the well-to-do. It's not even used very much by the middle class! Those on board that doubledecker had about as much to do with 'the financial heart' of London as a Cherokee. I truly hope that one day, evil (Bush, Al-Quadea, and everyone else) has their reckoning.

Hey La, Hey La...The Ex-Boyfriend's Back!

2005-06-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

I need to know if I am being ridiculous or not. Actually, what I really want you to do is to agree with me whole-heartedly. Send in your letters of support and write your local congressman.

Ok, here goes.....Wouldn't it be considered normal that I don't enjoy spending time with my boyfriend and his 'ex'?

My boyfriend does not seem to understand it.
Nor does his ex.

Now it would be one thing if we had all been friends to begin with. Much like the Adam, Dave, Trevor, John scenario. And it would be another thing entirely if the ex had been supportive of our relationship. But that's not the case either. So strike #1 and strike #2. Strike #3 would be that THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I don't need to keep relations good between the ex and myself for the sake of the children like Brian and I were Will and Jada or something. There are no children, no family ties, no fucking dog even. It is unrealisitc and unreasonable for me to a) hang out with b)be friends with or even c)'make nice' with my boyfriend's ex. I'm not even mentioning how the ex spread (albeit allegedly) lies about me in order to end my current relationship.

I suppose I could be this wonderful person and this amazing boyfriend and hang out with my boyfriend and his ex. Be pleasant when I run into the ex, and just be really big about the whole thing.

The only problem is....I"M NOT THAT BIG OF A PERSON AND GODAMMIT, I SHOULDN"T HAVE TO BE!!!!

"Bewitched", Outback, and Anal Sex

2005-06-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog might sound like a great date for many of you.....

So my lovely roomie and I went to see the movie "Bewitched" tonight. I must say...it was one of the worst films that I have ever paid to see. And it was one of those films that gets more and more painful as it goes on. Here are the problems that I have with "Bewitched"

1. Nicole Kidman was channeling Katie Holmes the entire time. Giggling, gawking, and gibbering. What happened to the sophisticated woman from 'The Hours', 'Moulin Rouge', 'Cold Mountain', and 'The Others'. Nic, I'm starting to loose respect for you like you're Tom Cruise or something!

2. They butchered a beloved television show! What was up with this high-faluting concept of a movie about making a revival of the television show and casting a real witch unknowingly in the role of Samantha. Crap! Crap! Crap! Elizabeth Montgomery must be rolling over in her grave!

3. Soooo many plot holes. They would throw out a plotline and then never return to address it. At the climax of the movie (bear with me now) a 'fictional character' (The image of the Uncle Arthur chracter from the old TV show) appears in Will Farrell's dream and then appears to him for real; convinces him and then DRIVES HIM TO NICOLE KIDMAN. What the HELL were they smoking?!?

So after this piece of shit movie Erin and I required a pick-me-up. Steak and a sinful sundae at Outback seemed like it would do the trick. However, Outback was an icebox! You know if I"m cold then it HAS to be bad. So there we were, burgeoning with food and freezing our asses off when we had this bizzare exchange:

Begin Transcript

Erin: "I'm so full and so cold! My full stomach is made worse by the fact that I"m so cold! I"m so cold that I"m tense and clenching!

John: "I know. I'm clenching too. It's like I"m doing some Kegel exercises over here or soemthing."

Erin: "Oh my god. I'm not clenching that!"

John: "Well, I am because it's so cold in here that my dick has shriveled up inside of me so now I can Kegel with the best of them."

End Transcript

Oh and by the way...since I'm already being vulgar as it is...Many people have asked me why I did not like having anal sex. I likened it to having someone stick their finger up your nose. That's not painful, but it's certainly not enjoyable. However, upon futher consideration, I now have a much better analogy (sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Are you ready?

Being fucked up the ass is like shitting inside out. The glory of a good shit is that you get that sucker out of you, but when you've having anal sex, you never get to the good part.

Return of the Johnny

2005-06-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

I just remembered that I have a blog! I'm so like that. Devoting so much energy to something and then I wake up one day to find something shiny that distracts me and I drop whatever had held my attention. Maybe that's why I have 11 half eaten boxes of cereal in my kitchen. Either I can't commit or I demand something spectacular to retain my interests. Maybe both.

So's anyhows....I have returned! More episodes of 'the script' will be coming. Those of you who hearted my autobiographical accounts of the early years of college...worry not!

And hopefuly, more accounts of my zany misadventures post-college shall follow as well. I'm not sure what has happened to the self-proclaimed "gay bridget jones" Life has calmed down a bit seeing as I am in a relationship and my life is all stable and secure, but I hope to rev things up a bit soon! Who knew that 'happy ever after' could be so blase?

By the way....I just looked up how to spell blase on dictionary.com and the 3rd meaning of blase is "very sophisticated". Just to avoid any misunderstandings....my life is not "very sophisticated". It is meaning numero uno of blase. My life is "uninteresting".

Here is a list of the Top Ten Things You Need to Know to get Up To Speed

10. I had sex for the first time. "True love waits" you know ;)
9. Adam has moved to D.C.
8. Dave has moved to Charlotte.
7. Erin Thompson has moved to Baltimore.
6. Natalie has turned into an evil stepmother AND has become so mentally unstable (not a good combo at all!).
5. I've been dating Brian for 8 months now.
4. My right-wing sunday school teaching mother wants to borrow and read my Michael Moore book. (Hell is freezin' over as I type this!)
3. If I have children, the boy will be named Henry and the girl, Rachel.
2. I have spent $500 trying to heal my hurt foot and have been unable to work out at the gym for six months now!
1. I've never felt felt more confident about who I am.

So, though my friends have left me stranded in bumfuck NC, my career is going great, and my search for Mr. Right has ended. I'm independent, successful, and loved; yet having an extremely difficult time bot being bored with my thouroughly contented life. When is the next adventure!? Where's the next challenge?!

Episode III: "Pretenders"

2005-01-30T13:53:00.000-08:00

The Book Of John
Episode 3: “Pretenders”

Characters:
John Pickett
Bree Snow
Corey
Cori
Penny
Charmaine White
Dr. Carlton
Anthony Trainor
Penny Thornback
Snotty girl #1 from episode 2
Snotty girl #2 from episode 2
English Professor
Hannah Emberson
Noel (Hannah’s boyfriend)

Scene 1: Alamance Building. Dozens of students frantically look over giant charts to find the locations of their classes. It is the first day of classes for the fall semester. John is standing there with his schedule trying to find his class locations, but there is a thick line of students blocking his way. He is waiting patiently, but whenever one student moves out of the way, another student comes from behind him and beats him to the spot.

Voice over begins..
Frantic. If I had to describe the first week of college with one word it would have to be frantic. In the past week I’d moved in to my dorm room and begun co-habitating with someone for the first time in my life. I also had run back to my mommy and spent my first weekend ‘away’ from home at home. Mom had forced me back, but let’s face it; I didn’t have to go back and I wouldn’t have gone back unless some part of me wanted it. I was scared of college. It was so different from what my expectations had been. I was a chicken shit. I had run home, and I was mad at myself for it. But, today was a new day, the first day of classes, and perhaps I could still mold my college experiences into what I had expected them to be. Undeniably, it was a fresh beginning, and today was the first day of classes. I was tired of being so manic all the time, and I was determined to make it here, happily. I had quickly learned that I couldn’t run away from my problems, but there were a lot of distractions here at college. Maybe, at the very least, I could ignore my problems and convince myself that I wasn’t miserable…and the first step to becoming less miserable, was to discover where the hell my classes were!

John: GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY! Can’t one goddamn thing be simple? Can’t I just find out where my fucking class is so that I can avoid walking in and experiencing yet another mortifying experience at this college!?

Ok, so I have these little brain fantasies all the time. Wait, why is everyone staring at me..
Shit, did I actually just do that? (John did. Actually. Do that.)
Shit. I did. Actually. Do that.

Girl searching for classes as well: “So you don’t consider that, what you just did, to be a ‘mortifying experience’?
John stares at her blankly, but then she laughs good naturedly. She is a pretty brunette, and clearly southern.
Girl searching for classes as well: (She hikes her backpack up on here shoulder and extends her hand: “My name is Cori.”
John: “Hey, I’m John.”
Cori: “I couldn’t help but notice your bio book. It’s the same as mine. That’s my first class today.”
John: “Mine too.”
Cori: “I suspected as much.”
John: “So where is it?”
Cori: “McMichael 205.”
John: (smiling) “So I guess we should go there now if we don’t want to be late. Right?”
Cori: “Yes, definitely. Let’s walk on over there together.”

Scene 2. Penny and Bree’s dorm room. It is over-packed due to the fact that Charmaine has moved in to their dorm room for the time being. There are three beds, where before there had been only two. Charmaine and Bree are sitting on the bed. Charmaine is in her pjs and Bree is dressed and brushing her hair in front of the mirror. It is evident that someone is in the bathroom taking a shower. Penny can be heard singing an African spiritual from in the shower. Steam is rolling our from under the bathroom door.

Charmaine: “Ok, so I don’t know which is better. Living with the smokoholic Katie, or living with Penny!”
Bree: “Oh come on. She’s not that bad. Besides, it’s not like you really have a choice now. Unfortunately, your room is more smoky than ever from all the smoke damage. And Katie is long gone. Have you heard anything about her, I mean, was she expelled?”
Charmaine: “Uh yeah. She wasn’t expelled. She’s on major probation though. Has to do community service and she is not allowed to live on campus. She’s going to have to commute from here on out.”
Bree: “Ouch. Well serves her right. She had it coming.”
Charmaine: “Yeah, I feel really bad for her.”
Bree: “What? Where is this sympathy coming from? I thought you hated Katie. It was totally her own doing you know.”
Charmaine: “Yeah, right. I guess. So, my god. Does Penny always take this much time to shower?!”
Bree: “Yeah, get used to it. This is pretty typical for her. (she has finished brushing her hair and now has picked up her bookbag) That’s why I always try and get up early and get in the shower first. I’ll see ya later. Good luck with you classes!” Bree leaves and heads out the door.

Scene 3 Bio Lab. The lab is filled with students standing around and getting ready for class. Students are entering in. Bree enters the lab and her eyes scan the classroom looking for someone she knows. She recognizes John sitting at a lab table talking with a girl. There are two lab seats open there. She walks over to them.

Bree (to John): “Well, hello stranger.”
John (turning to Bree): “Hey there! I didn’t know you were in this class!”
Bree: “Yeah, well you’ve kind of been M.I.A. lately.”
John: “Yeah, I have been. Bree, this is Cori. Cori meet my friend Bree. She lives in my dorm.”
Cori: “Hi. Nice to meet you.”
Bree: “It’s nice to meet you too. So did you guys go to high school together or something?”
John: “Oh no. We just met this morning. Cori rescued me, but we’re old friends now.”
Bree sits down and joins them at the lab table.
A young man comes up to the lab table.
Young Man: “Hey, is anyone sitting her yet?”
Cori: “No, feel free.”
The bio professor enter from the front of the room.
Young Man: “Thanks. I’m Corey.”
John: “Really?! That’s wild! (pointing to Cori) That’s her name.”
Corey: “Crazy! Hi.”
Bree: (speaking more softly and directly to John) “So where have you been all weekend?”
Before John can answer, the bio professor starts class.
Bio Professor: “Hello. My name is Professor Carlton. Welcome to Bio 101. Please get out your lab manuals as we begin to review basic lab procedures.”

Scene 3:
Charmaine sits in a classroom. It is an American English course. The professor is going on and on about F. Scott Fitzgerald. The girl next to Charmaine hands her a piece of notebook paper. Charmaine unfolds it and discovers that it is a note. The note reads

Are you as bored by this as you look?
Cuz if you are, I think I love you.
~Anthony

Charmaine looks further down past the girl and sees John and Bree’s friend Anthony. He winks at her. She writes back…..

It must be true love then. We covered all of this back in high school.

Charmaine passes the note back to Anthony. He writes something down and passes it back to her. It now reads…

Yeah, this class is gonna be a breeze. Why are teachers such groupies for F. Scott Fitzgerald. Tender is the Night was TRASH and Gatsby is soooo overrated. Lunch afterwards?

Charmaine smiles. Looks at Anthony and nods a yes, just as the professor, who (unbeknownst to Charmaine) has begun walking around the classroom. The professor’s hand quickly and efficiently swoops down and snatches the note from Charmaine’s lap. The professor doesn’t miss a beat and keeps on discussing F. Scott Fitzgerald. Charmaine and Anthony are mortified.

Scene 4: Outside at a fountain in front of Alamance building. Penny sits there in front of the fountain. She is between classes. She sits there serenely. She grasps the cross that hangs around her neck and prays softly aloud.
Penny: “Dear Jesus, thank you so much for this beautiful day. Thank you for guiding me successfully through my first couple of classes. Your strength (snickering is heard nearby and Penny stops opening her eyes).
Stuck up girl #2 from episode 2: “Look it’s BIBLE girl.” (She’s sitting nearby and talking to her friend. The comment is not directed to Penny, but Penny easily hears it.
Stuck up girl #1 from episode 2: “I wonder…is she praying for better hair or for a better outfit?”
The girls laugh. Penny gets up and moves to a more quiet corner of the yard where a gazebo sits in the shade. She continues her prayers
Penny: “Dear lord, please forgive those girls for making those comments and give me strength to handle such jibes. I have an awful lot on my mind right now lord. (she sees Hannah walking across campus with Emily, talking) Especially what I saw going on outside the other night. You know, what happened between Hannah and her boyfriend. Please give my heart guidance as to what I should do. I don’t know Hannah that well, but my heart goes out to her. NO man should treat…I just, I don’t know what do do lord. My heart is awful heavy. Should I interfere?”

Scene 5: We return to the Charmaine and Anthony’s English class. The English professor is wrapping up class.

English Professor: “So please come up before you leave and get your syllabus for the course. Also, Mr. (professor looks down at his class roster)…Mr. Trainor and Miss White. I need to converse with the two of you for the most brief of moments.”
Anthony and Charmaine share a look of concern. They hang back as the rest of the class dismisses and they eventually make their way up to the professor.
The professor pulls the note out of his breast pocket and puts on his reading glasses.
English Professor: “So, from you confiscated correspondence one can only discern that you both consider yourselves to be ‘above’ the material of this class; that you both are too advanced for this course. Is this true?”
Charmaine is at a loss for words.
Anthony: “Professor, no disrespect intended, but (looking at Charmaine) we’ve covered this material. We both have received advanced placement credit in English and we would have figured that this class wouldn’t re-hash literature from out high school courses!”
English Professor: “I see. I see. That is, well, that is perfectly understandable Mr. Trainor. Miss White, do you feel similarly?”
Charmaine, brought to life by the Professor’s apparent empathy: “Well, yeah. I guess I do. F. Scott Fitzgerald seems pretty elementary to me.”
English Professor: “Well, I certainly do not want your bright young minds to be bored in this course. So, as I see it. We must make this course more challenging for students that are obviously so advanced as yourselves. Let me enrich your experience in this class by providing you with an extra assignement.”
Anthony: “What? Wait. Professor come on!”
Professor: with fake sympathy “But you seemed so bored.” He hands them a sheet of paper.
Charmaine: “Oh my god. (she looks at Anthony) This is A LOT.”
Professor: “My dear girl, that is simply the syllabus for the general class. Now if you’d get a pen and paper, I shall give you the details of your ‘enrichment assignement.” He smiles viciously. “You shall have to work quite hard to get back into my good graces after that ‘groupie’ comment you know.”

Scene 6: Bree and John are walking together outside after classs.
John: “So I can’t believe that we have all three of our Monday classes together. That’s so awesome!”
Bree: “It really is. I felt so lucky to have a familiar face in there with me.”
John: “Yeah, and the Corey’s seem pretty cool too.”
Bree: “Mmhmm. Cori with an “I” sure is pretty.”
John: “Yeah, she’s not bad. Hey, so you’re done with classes right?”
Bree: (hesitantly) “Yeeeah.”
John: “Let’s go celebrate! Let’s celebrate surviving our first day of classes! Ya wanna?”
Bree: (enthusiastically) “Sure!”
John: “Sweet. Let’s see. Um, hey! I know this great sub place. You like subs? Let’s go there and grub. I’m starving!”
Bree: “But we’ve already eaten lunch! It’s like 4:00! (John gives her a puppy dog look) Ok. Yeah, that sounds great. You want me to drive?”
John: “Nah. I’ve got a little red pick-up truck. It’s parked not far from here. I’ll drive. Let’s go! I’m soooo hungry.”

Scene 8: Sub restaurant where Bree and John are finishing up their subs.
Bree: “So how is rooming with Gus? He seems like an interesting character.”
John: “Interesting? That’s a nice way of putting it. Obnoxious is more like it. Can you believe that he was completely moved in by the time I even set foot on campus?! He had taken the best closet, the best computer desk, the best everything!”
Bree: “Really? That is, well that is kind of obnoxious! At least Penny waited until I got there to figure out things.”
John: “So what about you? How’s living with Penny?”
Bree: “She’s not so bad. She’s a little intense sometimes, but I think that we will get along alright.”
John: “She seems very religious.”
Bree: “Oh she is! I’m ok with that though. I mean, I’m a Christian too. Not quite as ‘die-hard’ as she is. What about you?”
John: “Oh not at all. I mean, I think God probably exists, but I’ve gotten to the point…Ha! How did we get here already? Deep conversation about God and Faith.
Bree: “I guess I just feel really comfortable talking with you.”
John: “Awww. Really? Thanks. You’re really my only friend I’ve made here so far. What you said the other day. Like one of the first nights I was here, about us all ‘being in this together’? Well that really meant a lot. I’m kinda funny like that. I hold on to the littlest things. The smallest comments. But really, I wanted you to know that that meant a lot.”
Bree’s cell phone rings. She regretfully answers it.
Bree: (into phone) “Hello? Hey Charmaine! (looking at John) Hold on one second. I’ll be right back. (into phone) So, Charmaine, what’s up?”
Begin cutting back and forth between Bree and Charmaine who is sitting outside of her dorm in a chair.
Charmaine: “Oh man. This day has completely sucked. I’m already totally overwhelmed with work. Anyway, how about you? How has your day been? What are you up to?”
Bree gets up and walks to the front of the restaurant and steps outside.
Bree: “Well, actually. John and I’m at this sub shop with John.”
Charmaine: “Really?! That’s great! Damn, girl. You move fast!”
Bree: (laughing) “Well, it’s not like it’s a date or anything. Get this; we actually have all of our Monday classes together? How perfect is that?!”
Charmaine: “I’m just relieved that he has re-emerged from where-ever-the-hell he’s been. (pause) Where the hell HAS he been?”
Bree: “I don’t know actually. I wanted to ask him, but he seems to be in such a good mood. Not all distant; like he was the last day we saw him. He’s in such a good mood that I don’t want to bring it up and risk him shutting down or putting him in a funky mood. I really get the feeling that he doesn’t want to talk about it.”
Charmaine: “Suite yourself. But if I were you, I’d want to find out. Anyway, why are you still on the phone rambling to me!? Go flirt girl! Go flirt!”
Bree rolls her eyes, but smiles.

Scene 9: Charmaine hangs up the phone. The Camera pans over to reveal that she is sitting there with Anthony.
Charmaine: “That girl is in SUCH denial! She likes that boy more than she will let on. Everytime she mentions him or if anyone else does for that matter, she grins bigger than a chesire! So what about you Anthony? Is there any girl back home that makes you grin involuntarily?”
Anthony: “No, no there’s not. I moved around so much. My dad, he’s a minister in the military. I’ve lived everywhere; Utah, Minnesota, California, even Germany.”
Charmaine: “Ouch. Yeah, I can imagine that would make it difficult to carry on any sort of relationship.”
Anthony: “Yup.Hey, is that your class schedule? Mind if I take a gander?”
Charmaine: “Go for it. Any other classes we are in together?”
Anthony: (Looking the schedule over) “Yeah, actually. We have a couple of science classes together on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wait? Are you a science fellow?”
Charmaine: “Yes, actually. You got that scholarship too?”
Anthony: “Mmm hmm. Going for Pre-Med actually.”
Charmaine: (Kind of squealing) “Get out! Me too!”
Charmaine and Anthony at the same time: “Looks like the start of a”
Catching themselves and laughing.
Charmaine: “Beautiful friendship.”
Anthony: “How cliché. True, but cliché.”

Scene 7: The hall of Virginia Dorm. Penny has decided to go and confront Hannah about what she saw the other night. She walks down the hall to Hannah’s dorm room and taking a deep breath, knocks on Hannah’s door.
Hannah opens the door.
Hannah (surprised) “Hey!?”
Penny: “Hi. How are you?”
Hannah: “I’m good. (awkward pause) How are you?”
Penny: “I’m great! (very seriously and patting Hannah on the arm) How are you (pause) really?”
Hannah: (confused) “Fine. I’m fine. Penny, what’s up?”
Penny: “I,..I need to talk to you about something….It’s about something that I saw. Um..”
Hannah: “Sure, Penny. Whatever you need. Only….”
The door opens up wider and Noel has come to the door and puts his arms around Hannah.
Noel: (to Penny) “Hi there.”
Hannah: “Noel, you remember Penny?”
Noel: “Yeah, right.”
Hannah: “Noel surprised me today with a romantic picnic lunch. Can you believe that?! Isn’t he just the most thoughtful and sweet boyfriend ever!?” She turns to kiss him.
Penny: “Yeah, he’s something all right.”
Hannah: “So Noel, Penny needs to talk to me about something real important. Can you give me up for a few minutes of girl talk?”
Noel: “Definitely. Girls need their girlfriends. Ya’ll go chat it up for a bit. I’ll hang out here and switch the channel from lifetime to ESPN for a few precious minutes!”
Hannah: “Thanks baby.”
Hannah closes the door and walks out into the hall with Penny.

Scene 10: (it is now becoming evening) Charmaine is studying in Bree and Penny’s room. Penny comes walking in and slams the door. Charmaine jumps.
Charmaine: “Damn girl.”
Penny: (snapping) “Could you please NOT use profanity in my presence?”
Charmaine: (under her breathe) “Could you please stop BREATHING in my presence?”
Penny: “Huh? I’m sorry I’m Miss Snappy McSnap. (Penny takes her shirt off) It’s just been a stressful first day.”
Charmaine: “Tell me about it! That’s just a figure of speech you know. I don’t REALLY wanna hear about your (Penny takes off her bra) breasts! Woah. Girl. I’ve got my own. I don’t need to see yours!”
Penny: “Oh come on Charmaine. Don’t be such a prude. God made our bodies. (grabbing her breasts) God made these. They are beautiful. I’m not ashamed.”
Penny grabs her shower tote and walks towards the bathroom.
Charmaine: “Wait!”
But it is too late. Penny has closed the door.
Charmaine: “I have to pee like a mother.”

Scene 11: It is dusk. Bree and John are walking along the bricked paths of the college. They have spent practically the entire day together.
Bree: “Oh my god. This was so not the right way to celebrate the first day of classes! Blowing off all of my homework to go to dinner and a movie.”
John: “Yeah, I can’t believe we’ve been out and about all friggin day. (looking at his watch) We’re really going to have to hit the books.”
The two have reached the exterior steps of Virginia.
Bree: (playfully hitting John) “I can already tell that I’m gonna have to watch myself around you. Cuz you, mister, are a horrible influence.”
John: “Whatever! I can tell that there’s a bad girl just waiting to burst out of that Pennsylvania Dutch exterior!”
They hear: “Hey guys!”
They turn to look behind them and find Hannah and Noel walking up along the brick path.
Noel (quietly to Hannah): “So are those two hooking up?”
Hannah: “I don’t know. I kinda get that vibe though. They look good together. (to Bree and John now) What are ya’ll up too?”
The four of them head into Virginia and make their way up the stairwell.
John: “Well, after discovering that we have like all of our classes together on Mondays, we decided to take off and bum around town for a little bit.”
Bree: “We went to see ‘The Thomas Crown Affair’.”
Noel: “Oh, that movie is hot. Renee Russo. (directed at John) She is smoking and that scene on the steps. Holy crap.”
Hannah (to Noel): “When did you go see that?”
The four start walking towards the dorm together.
Noel: (ignoring Hannah): “So where are you two headed to now?”
Bree: “Back to the dorm.”
John: “Countless hours of reading ahead of us I’m afraid. Do you actually have to read everything that they assign?”
Hannah (as her and Noel break off and head into her dorm room): “Yeah, I’m afraid you do. You’ll get better at skimming for the important stuff though once you get a feel for what your professors want.”
Noel: “Have a good night guys. Great to see you again.”
John and Bree: “Bye.”
Noel and Hannah go into her dorm room and close the door.
John turns to his dorm room, pulls out his key and is unlocking it.
John: “Well, I hope you don’t regret goofing off with me TOO much.”
Bree: “Not at all. It was great. Thanks for hanging out.”
John: “Most definitely. We’ll have to do a lot more of it. Later!”
John goes into his dorm room and closes the door.

Scene 12: Charmaine is sitting on her temporary bed in Bree and Penny’s room. She is holding a pillow and bouncing up and down groaning. Bree opens the door and comes in smililng.
Charmaine: “Do you have any idea how long she has been in that bathroom?!? I have seriously been waiting to pee for like 45 minutes. That shower has been running for 45 minutes! How does the girl even have any hot water left?!”
Bree: “Charmaine, you look like you’re about to burst. Why don’t you just go down the hall and use someone else’s toilet?”
Charmaine: “Ewww, nasty! Like I’m going to use someone else’s skunky skanky bathroom!”
Bree: “Right. Peeing yourself is such the better option.”
Charmaine: “You know what? Screw it. She’s in the shower. I’m just gonna go in. Use it. And give little Miss Penny a cold little shock when I go flush flush.”
Bree: (sarcastically) “And you’ll take no pleasure in that at all will you?”
Charmaine (with her hand on the door handle): “Oh no. None at all.” (She grins and prepares to throw open the door, but the door is locked)
Charmaine: “Damnit! Ok, make way Bree! Girls on a mission to find a potty!” (Charmaine runs out of the dorm room pushing Bree aside. She tries door after door, but they are all locked. She goes to the first floor to use a bathroom there, but there is a tour group coming through. She runs out of Virginia and heads into the all boys dorm next door; Sloan. Upon entering Sloan, she pushes through boys who are like ‘WTF!?’ she tries a door. It is locked. The second door she tries is unlocked. She rushes in and beelines to the bathroom. She gets in there and sits and relaxes. While sitting there, she notices a stack of magazines. Sports and music mags. One seems to have a particularly hot man on it. She flushes the toilet and pulls the magazine out. It is a gay porn mag! Suddenly there is someone jingling the door handle from the room that she came into. She drops the magazine and heads out of the bathroom through the room which she did not enter. As she is quickly washing her hands and fleeing the room, the camera closes in on a photograph of one of the room’s occupants. It is a photograph of Anthony. Charmaine, however, has not noticed this photograph and runs out of the room quietly.)

Scene 13: Hannah’s dorm room. Hannah is sitting on her bed trying to do some reading for class. Noel is clearly interesting in fooling around. He makes several attempts to kiss and cuddle with Hannah, but Hannah keeps brushing him off.
Hannah: “Baby, I really can’t right now. I’ve spent the entire day with you and haven’t touched a book. I’ve got to focus on my work right now.”
Noel: “Oh come on baby. I’m hardly ever around.” He closes the book and attempts to kiss her neck.
Hannah: “No. I mean it Noel. I’ve got to get cracking. I’m behind in this major as it is. I’ve got to make up for the classes that I haven’t taken yet.”
Noel: “Oh. Ok. I see how it is. I drive all the way down here. Make time to surprise you with a romantic spontaneous day and this is how you treat me.”
Hannah: “It’s not that I don’t appreciate..”
Noel: “You sure don’t seem to be showing much appreciation. At the very least I deserve some physical appreciation. I’m due that from my girlfriend.” He grabs her arms and kisses her, pushing her down on the bed.”
Hannah: “Noel, I mean it, really. Not right now. Not tonight.”
Noel: “Yes, tonight. Right now. So shut up and let me screw you right now.”

Scene 14: Bree and Penny’s dorm room. Bree is studying while Penny has just gotten out of the shower. She is standing in front of the mirror in a towl brushing her hair.
Penny (suddenly): “I saw something the other night.”
Bree (distractedly): “Yeah? What was that?”
Penny: “I saw Hannah and her boyfriend get into a huge fight.”
Bree: (eyes still on her homework) “Oh every couple fights sometimes.”
Charmaine returns from her toilet excursion to the boys dorm.
Penny: (putting down her brush and walking over to sit down beside of Bree: “No this was different Bree. Noel….he, he was violent. They were outside and he was like, well he was hitting her. He was actually physically attacking her!”
Charmaine looks somewhat concerned, but is keeping herself out of the conversation
Bree: (putting her book down and looking at Penny) “Penny, come one. Have you SEEN the two of them together? They are like the perfect couple! Every couple fights. Even if it was possible that it got out of hand this one time, you saw what he did today right? Noel drove all the way down here to surprise Hannah and wish her luck on her first day of classes. I don’t know about you, but he seems like the perfect boyfriend to me.”
Penny: “I don’t know Bree. You didn’t’ see them. It was awful. They…”
Bree: “Penny, I feel that you are one who may overreact a bit to certain scenarios. (to Charmaine) Am I right Charmaine?”
Charmaine: “True. Penny, you’re not the most wordly or exposed. You’re kind of naïve.”
Bree: “Naïve. Exactly. (turning to Penny) Can’t you concede that this might be something to which you are over-reacting?”
Penny: “I guess. I just keep thinking about what I saw. I keep replaying it in my brain and it’s just weighing on my heart something awful!”
Charmaine: “I’m sure that Hannah’s fine. She’s a pretty independent and smart woman.”
Bree: “Seriously, Penny they are like the ‘it couple’ that I’d aspire to be like!
Charmaine: “Now, anyway Bree. On to more pressing matters! How was your day with John?”
Bree: “It was fantastic. We spent the entire day together.”
Charmaine: “And!?”
Bree: “..And we have some real distinguishable chemistry.”
Charmaine: “Hey, play this right girl and you and John might be the next ‘it couple’ of the dorm. You can gush all about your day later, but right now I want to witness the chemistry for myself. Let’s go to the coffee shop. I want a milkshake. Go down the hall and ask John to come with us!”
Bree: “Ok, I’ll be right back.”
Bree leaves the dorm room and walks down the hall. As she passes Hannah’s dorm room, she can hear sounds that clearly indicate that Hannah and Noel are having sex.
Bree (softly to herself): “Yeah, absolutely no problems there. They are just fine.”
Bree knocks on John’s door, but it is slightly open. She pushes it open.
Bree: “Hey, it’s me again! Tired…(she looks and sees no John) of me (his bed is stripped of it’s sheets and his desk is missing his laptop)….yet?”
A look of confusion and concern crosses Bree’s face.
Bree: “What the hell is going on?”

The camera pans across and out of John’s room leaving Bree standing there to ponder the situation. The camera heads across the hall to Hannah’s room and goes through the door. Noel and Hannah are having sex on her bed. Noel is clearly into it and on top of Hannah. The camera closes in on Hannah’s face, and she is crying.

Scene 15: It is dark and John is driving in his truck. Beside him lays his journal and it is half open just like in the start of the episode. The camera zooms in on one line, as John’s voice over begins….

“Pretending doesn’t work. It may distract for a little while. It may serve as a neat simple band-aid, but pretending….I tried it for a day, and it was fine during the day, but then suddenly, you’re alone. You have no one and no thing to distract you from yourself. And it’s then that you realize that you imagination may be one great coping mechanism, but it won’t do shit to fix your problems. A pleasant façade may mask the pain, but ignoring it will only force the pain to go deeper…”

End Episode III “Pretenders”

The Script Episode II: "You Think You Know..."

2005-01-22T14:38:00.000-08:00

The Book Of John
Episode 2: “You Think You Know….”

Characters:
John Pickett
John’s Mom
Bree Snow
Anthony Trainor
Guy who buys expensive used book
Penny
Charmaine White
Hannah Emberson
Noel (Hannah’s boyfriend)
Gus Tasjian
Emily CDC (Community Development Co-ordinator)
Katie

One week before the start of the fall semester. is seen across the screen

Scene 1: John’s room back home. It is a week before he started college. His room is bare. In the corner of the room are a pile of packed bags and boxes. John lies on his bed looking up at the ceiling. It is obvious that he has been crying. The room is dark and Sarah McLachlan is playing in the background. His journal is spread open across his stomach and a pen is in his hand. A knock is heard on his door. He doesn’t respond. A second knock. His mother cracks open the door and light graces the darkness of the room.

John’s Mom: “Are you ready to go out to eat?”
John: “(Not facing his mother) I don’t like seafood.”
John’s Mom: “That’s not true. They have that salt and pepper shrimp that you love.”
John: “(John rolls over on the bed to face his mom) No, I don’t love that. I don’t even like it. What it IS is the only thing on the menu that I can tolerate.”
John’s Mom: (exasperated) “Well, what are you planning on doing for dinner?”
John: “I’m not hungry.”
Silence as John rolls back over and his mother stands there for a moment surveying the scene.
John’s Mom: “I can pick you up a sub or something on the way back.”
John: “I said I’m not hungry.”
Close up on John’s face as it is covered in darkness as his mother closes the door.

Scene 2: John is in his dorm room writing in his journal.
Voice over: At first it all seemed so different. The idea of it I mean. The idea of freedom. Freedom from my house. Freedom from my mom and Terry, the evil stepdad. Freedom from who I was and who everyone else thought I was. The chance to start all over where no one new me or had any prejudgment about me. The idea of such freedom was so, well so seductive. But now I am here. I’m here and the freedom doesn’t feel exhilarating. It’s intimidating, it’s frightening, disorienting. The threat of such freedom has me boxed in to my room. I guess some things never change.

Roll opening credits.

Scene 3: John, and his new friends Anthony and Bree are walking across campus on their way to the Campus Book store. Anthony and John are recounting their confusion over where Carlton building was when they were trying to find their advisor.
Bree: (laughing) “Shut up! That is so embarrassing!”
John: “The best part was in the beginning when Anth played it off like I was the dumb one for not knowing where the building was when in reality, HE has no clue.”
Anthony: (laughing) “I had no clue.”
Bree: (playfully slapping Bree): “What an ass! You’re so bad!”
Anthony: “So anyway, how much do you think these textbooks are going to set us back?”
John: “Oh there’s no way it could be too bad. 200 maybe 300 bucks?”
Bree: “I wouldn’t be so sure about that John. My roomate had to spend about $700 on hers.”
John: Bree, “You can’t be serious. That’s insane!” (John’s cell phone rings and he looks down at the caller ID. A look of seriousness crosses his face and he quickly ends the call.
Bree: (curiously) “Who was that?”
John: “Nobody”
Camera cuts back to Bree. She senses that the caller has rattled John.
Anthony: “(While he talks he has been watching a pair of guys talking with each other.) Yep, apparently, the whole textbook purchasing process is strewn with elements of the insane.” (He approaches one of the guys who is walking off with a book)
Anthony: “Excuse me. Um, not to intrude or anything, but I overheard you and that other talking. Did you just buy that book for $200?”
Guy who bought the expensive used book: “Yeah, I did. It’s a little extreme, but it’s worth it to avoid tbat.”

Ahead of the trio is the campus shop. There is a ridiculously long line of students standing in line just waiting to enter the shop. As the camera zooms in students fighting over books can be observed. Three students are fighting over a ladder and trying to reach one book on the top of the shelf. In doing so, they knock an entire stock of books on a guy on the other side. One girl is at the checkout sobbing. The clerk pries a huge stack of books from her hand and hands her the only two that she could pay for. A guy comes running out of the campus shop with a pile of books in his hands. He is screaming crazily. He flies past the trio and then falls with the books flying everywhere.

John: “Brace yourself kids. We’re going in.”

Scene 3: Charmaine and Katie’s dorm room. Katie is going through some of her CDs and Charmaine is coming out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. A thick layer of smoke is visible across the top of the dorm room.
Charmaine: (rushing to the windows and opening them) “My God Katie. I just took a shower to get that cigarette funk smell off of me. Could you please put that just long enough for me to get dressed and leave the room?!”
Katie: “No. I’m highly stressed. It’s an emotion that absolutely requires me to smoke.”
Charmaine: “Are there ANY emotions that DON”T absolutely require you to smoke?!”
Katie: (pausing and thinking for a moment) “Hmm. Nope.”
Charmaine: “Would you smoke if you were in excrutiating pain?”
Katie: “Huh?”
Charmaine bum rushes Katie swiping her cigarette and jabbing it into the side of her neck as Katie screams.
END FANTASY SEQUENCE.
Charmaine: “I’m going to go finish getting ready in Bree’s room.”
Katie: “Suite yourself.”
Charmaine goes through the bathroom carrying her clothes. She knocks on the door that goes from their shared bathroom into Bree and Penny’s room.
Charmaine: “Hello? Penny? (no one is there and Charmaine opens the door) Thank God.

Scene 4
In the dining hall called Octagon Café. Penny is sitting at a table waiting for Bree, John, and Anthony to arrive for lunch. Charmaine enters the Café looking for Bree, John, and Anthony. She doesn’t see them, but Penny spots her and waves. Charmaine tries to turn and duck behind a group of frat guys, but WA-BAM! there is Penny!

Penny squeals and hugs Charmaine, but then backs away with her nose squinched up.
Penny: “Charmaine! You? A smoker? Your body is a temple you know and smoking….”
Charmaine: Oh no. You mean I reek of smoke? I am going to murder my roommate, Katie.”
Penny: “Ewww, your roomie’s a smoker!? I would totally put in for a room transfer.”
Charmaine: “Really? You can do that? That’s a much better option than my fist transferring into her face.”
Penny: “Charmaine! I didn’t think that you were a violent black! So where’s the gang?!”
Charmaine: “(mouth agape) I don’t know. They were going to get their textbooks, but I thought they would have been here by now. I mean, I’m even running late.” (Charmaine’s eyes scan the crowded café) They better not leave me here to eat alone with Penny.
Penny: “Well, it looks like it’s just you and I for now. This is great though. A blessing! You and I get some q.t. to get to know one another better. You know, Charmaine, we haven’t really had a one-on-one talk yet! How have you escaped me?”
Charmaine: (under her breathe) “Well, it sure hasn’t been easy. Oh! Isn’t that girl on our hall?” (Charmaine has spotted Hannah Emberson. She is throwing her trash away and standing next to a young man who is holding her hand)
Penny: “You know what? She IS? And I have yet to invite her to the bible study that I’m starting! You’re coming right Charmaine? Tonight at ten?”
Charmaine: (sarcastically) “Lord willing.”

Scene 5:
Across the Café Hannah Emberson is talking with her boyfriend Noel.
Hannah: “Yeah, there’s some really great new blood on the hall this year. This great guy John, Charmaine...she’s from New Orleans, a sweet redhead named Bree….”
Noel: “Ohhhh. A redhead huh? You know how I have a thing for redheads.”
Hannah: “(grabbing Noel’s waist and slipping her arms around him) She’s too sweet and innocent for you.”
Noel: “(leaning down and putting his face close to Hannah’s) Well I’m sure I could change that.”
Hannah: “(smiling) “Ewww. Jerk!” Noel kisses her. And out of the corner of Hannah’s eyes Hannah sees someone and a look of recognition crosses her fast. She pulls away from the kiss, “Oh! There’s John and Bree! I want them to meet you!”
Hannah: (waving to the gang) “Hey guys! You look all ready for your first day of class on Monday!”
Anthony, John, and Bree are weighted down with books. Bree SLAMS the books down onto a table.
Bree: “Thank GOD, we have the weekend to rest up for it now!”
Anthony: “Oh my god I’m STARVING. Who would have thought that shopping for books would take so much out of ya!”
Bree: “Hannah, this is Anthony.”
Hannah: “Nice to meet you. Guys this is my boyfriend Noel. He goes to state.”
Noel: “How’s it hanging? We were about to get some ice cream for dessert. You guys want some?
Anthony: “Definitely.”
John: “Absolutely.” John’s cell phone rings again and he answers it.
Noel: (looking at Hannah) “Caramel Sutra? Ok, I’ll be right back”
Noel and Anthony go off to get in line for some ice cream while John walks off in the other direction talking in to his phone.

Scene 6:
Charmaine and Penny walk up and join the group. Penny tackles Hannah in a hug and says, “HI!”
Hannah looks at Charmaine and Bree and mouths the words, “Who is this?”
Charmaine whispers “An angel”, and pats Hannah on the back as Penny drags her to take a seat at the table, “Go with God.”
Bree: “You’re so bad Charmaine.”
Charmaine: “Hey, I’m all down with G-O-D. I mean I went to Catholic School, but this girl is a Jesus FREAK! Anyway, are you still weak in the knees over our southern boy, John?

Scene 7
Noel and Anthony are in line getting some ice cream.
Anthony: “So how long have you and Hannah been dating?”
Noel: “Going on six years. We were high school sweethearts.”
Anthony: “Wow. That’s awesome.”
Noel: “Yeah, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I love her so much that I can hardly stand it sometimes. We don’t get to see each other that often, but the time that we do get to spend with each other is amazing. I’m a writer and she’s going to be an actor, so that’s a pretty perfect match.”
Anthony: “Wow, so yeah, you definitely sound crazy in love with her.”
Noel: (Looking across at Penny and Hannah talking) “Yeah, I totally am. (looking back at Anthony) What about you? Have you got a chick?”
Anthony: “Me? No, no girlfriend here.”
Noel: (grinning) “Yeah, you look like the player type. Not just one girl for you huh? I bed you’ve got multitudes waiting for you to show them a good time. What about that redhead? What’s her name? Bree? She’s kinda hot.”

Scene 8
Bree: (rolling her eyes) “I’m not ‘weak in the knees’. I’m just…interested.”
Charmaine: “Well does HE seem ‘interested’?”
Bree: (blushing) I dunno. It’s difficult to tell. John can be so happy and easy to get along with, and then suddenly he’s so distant and stoic. Like today, he keeps getting these calls on his cell phone and I can tell that they aren’t from someone that he wants to be hearing from.”
Charmaine: I bet it’s a girl. Some girl from his past. A girlfriend from high school maybe? I’m sure that he’s trying to break away. It’s a good thing for you Bree. Don’t look so concerned. You’ll be googily eyed and playing tongue touch in no time.”

Scene 9:
Camera pans over Charmaine’s shoulder and finds John on the phone.
John: “I’m telling you, I’m fine. I just don’t want to talk about this right now. You are only making things worse. Yes, I am. They don’t seem to be making a difference anyway. No, I’m staying here this weekend. No. Don’t do that. Don’t pull a guilt trip on me like that. Fine. I’ll see you tonight. Bye.”

Scene 10:
Friday night: The common room of the dorm. Penny Thornback is sitting on a couch in front of a window. The couch is under a homemade banner that reads, “Spend Friday Night with THE Good Book.” She has snacks prepared and spread out across from her on a coffee table. She is dressed up and looking very pretty. A few students trickle in and out of the dorm. Two girls approach Penny and she stands up excitedly.
Girl One: “Hi. We were curious about what you’re doing.”
Girl Two: “Are you really having a bible study on a Friday night?”
Penny: “Yes, totally. It’s a great way to keep your life focused and on God’s path. Are you girls interested? I made chocolate chip cookies! Here, have some!”
The girls take some cookies.
Girl Two: “Oh. My. God. You are such a sad case. Don’t you realize that this is the last Friday night before classes start?”
Girl One: “Yeah, I mean this is prime party time.”
Penny: (Realizing that these girls think that she is a loser, but trying to remain peppy) “Well……..There’s no one I’d rather party with than Jesus!”
Girl’s one and two together, laughing and rolling their eyes obnoxiously: “Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy God!”
The two girls grab some more cookies and walk outside, presumably on their way to a party.
Penny plops down on the couch with her arms crossed. She is visibly hurt and discouraged. Time passes. Hours pass. The dorm is quiet with most of the students either in bed or out partying. Elapsed times shots of Penny eating her food, reading out of her bible, and finally climbing up a step ladder to start taking down her banner. As Penny starts undoing one side of the banner, she hears a guy and a girl arguing outside. She leans closer to the window in order to better hear the argument. She is able to see out the window and there are Hannah and Noel out on the bricked walkway. They are arguing intensely.
Noel: “I can’t believe you fucked up your major like that! What an idiot! You didn’t practice enough!
Hannah: “Noel! I practiced all the time. Besides, you used to get so mad at me because you said that I practiced TOO much and didn’t spend enough time with you. This will be a good thing for us. I can choose another major that will allow us to spend more time together!”
Noel: “Oh? So I see how it is! It’s MY FAULT that the department told you that you weren’t a good enough singer or actor! You’re blaming me for this because you spent a little bit of time with me instead of practicing! It’s MY FAULT that you suck huh?! Don’t try to blame me for this. I never thought you were that good honestly, but I supported your delusions anyway.”
Hannah: “Noel….no, that’s not what I…”
Noel: “Do you know how hard it was for me to sit there an realize that you had no talent but keep my mouth shut. It was soooo unbelievable difficult and annoying. At leas now you know that you never would have stood a chance at having a professional career on stage.”
Hannah: (Crying now) “Noel, why do you have to be so hurtful?”
Noel shoves Hannah up against the side of the dorm and squeezing her arms to the point where they hurt.
Hannah: “Ow. You’re hurting me!”
Noel: “I’ll show you hurtful you whiny bitch!” Noel slaps her across the face and lets her go. Hannah slumps to the ground, “Maybe we should just end this if I’m so ‘hurtful’ all the damn time.”
Penny continues to watch from the stepladder in the dorm’s foyer. Her look is one of concern and anger directed at Noel.
Hannah (quickly getting up off of the ground): “No. No! Noel I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you so. This change. A new career. It’s a good thing for me and a good thing for us. That’s the bottom line. I love you. I’m sorry we argue so.”
Noel: “I’m sorry too, but right now I’m just so angry at you that I can’t even stand to look at you. Call me latter when you decide to stop being such a bitch.”
Noel walks off leaving Hannah standing there.

Cut back to Penny. She is shocked and disbelieving of how Hannah has responded to Noel. Unfortunately, Penny’s stepladder has become shaky and she falls off of the ladder tearing down the rest of the banner and falling behind the couch. Hannah hears the commotion and fearing that someone has witnessed her argument, hurries inside. No one is there. Penny had cleaned up all of the snacks, and the only thing out of the ordinary is a bible that has been left on the couch. However, Hannah doesn’t seem to notice the bible.
Hannah leaves the foyer and heads up to her dorm room.

Scene 11:
Saturday: Charmaine is sitting in the dorm room of their CDC Emily.
Charmaine: “Emily, I absolutely CANNOT live with Katie anymore. Mentally she’s driving me insane, but even more so, all of that second hand smoke is extremely dangerous to me physically!
Emily: Charmaine, I am so sympathetic to your situation, and I checked around with Residence Life, but unfortunately there is nothing that you can do. These dorms are not smoke free. You chose ‘smoker preference’ on your housing application!
Charmaine: I know! But that was an accident! I just checked the wrong box. Surely that has happened before?
Emily: It has Charmaine. It has happened before, and people have just had to learn to deal with it. You’re not the first person who has had a difficult time with their roommate and you’re not going to be the last. The rules are simple. You cannot get rid of Katie unless she does something that proves to be a direct threat to you.”

Scene 12:
Saturday Night
Bree and Penny’s dorm room. Bree is standing up and rifling through her belongings searching for something. Penny is sitting on her bed listening to an Amy Grant CD.
Bree: “Have you seen my cell phone? I haven’t seen John since lunch yesterday. I was going to give him a call to see what was up.”
Penny: “I think it’s over there under that stack of t-shirts.”
Bree: “AhA! Yes. Good work Penny thanks.”
Bree dials John’s number but gets a message saying that the Verizon Customer that she is trying to reach is currently unavailable.
Bree: “That’s weird.”
Penny: “What’s that?”
Bree: “I called John, and normally it would go to his voicemail, but all I got was a message saying that he was unavailable.”
Penny: “Oh that just means that he is out somewhere where there isn’t a cell phone tower nearby. Being from North Carolina I’m used to it. There are so many places out in the boondocks where you can’t get a cell phone reception.”
Bree: “So that definitely means that he’s not around here. I wonder where he disappeared to? I’m gonna go check in with Gus. I mean, I know that he and John don’t really communicate, but maybe Gus has some idea of where he is.”
Penny: “Oh Gus isn’t in there now. I ran into him in the hallway. He was on his way to go…let me get this right, ‘snag some doobies and fluff some muff’? Whatever THAT means!”
Bree: (closing her eyes and cringing) “Yeah, I thin I’ll just wait until morning to go as Gus about John. Besides, I’m sure John will be back by then.”

Scene 13: Sunday Morning. Gus and John’s dorm room. Gus in alone in the room wearing his boxers. We rarely see Gus with his shirt on, unfortunately.
Gus is laying on his futon watching porn.
He hears a knock on the door and Bree comes in.
Gus doesn’t bother to turn off the porn and just glances at Bree as she comes in the room.
Gus: “What’s up?”
Bree: (Totally trying to avoid looking at both Gus and the television screen) “Um, I was, uh, wondering…Have you seen John? Do you know where he is?”
Gus: “Uh uh. I haven’t seen him since Friday morning. He wasn’t here Friday night and he wasn’t here last night either.” Gus lights a joint and smokes up.
Bree: “That’s so odd.”
Gus: “Yeah, (he offers some weed to Bree and she shakes her head ‘no’)I hope the guy is planning on coming back in time for class tomorrow. (he turns to look at Bree for only the second time in the conversation) Hey, you wanna watch TV with me? We don’t have to watch porn.”
Bree: “No thanks.
Big pause between the two of them as Gus and Bree just look at each other for a minute. Gus’s gaze is blank, and Bree’s face is full of disgust. Quickly, Gus gets back to watching his porn and Bree quickly closes the door.
Outside of the dorm room Bree makes a disgusting sound and shudders.
Charmaine is walking down the hall.
Bree: “Hey! Did you get the Katie scenario worked out? Is Emily going to let you switch rooms?”
Charmaine: “No. Emily was sooo not helpful. She basically said that I’m going to have to grin and bear it. According to residence life, the only way that I can get a room switch is if my roommate poses an imminent threat to my well-being, and strangely enough, second-hand smoke doesn’t count.”
Bree: “Aww, I’m sorry. (jokingly)I guess the whole building is going to have to burn down before you get a new roommate!”
Charmaine: Getting a strange look on her face. “Yeah….well maybe not the whole building.”

Scene 14:
Sunday night. Charmaine and Katie’s dorm room. Charmaine is in bed and it is about 1:30 at night. She is laying in bed watching Katie. Katie has her lamp on and is, surprise, surprise, smoking a cigarette while reading a book. Katie’s eyes are heavy and she is on the verge of dozing off. She takes the lit cigarette and puts it out in an ashtray by her bed.
My God, thinks Charmaine, It’s the night before the first day of classes, you’d think she’d want to get more sleep!
Katie’s head droops and her hand drops. She is asleep and Charmaine springs in to action.
She quietly but quickly gets out of bed and reaches across Katie’s sleeping body to grab a cigarette out of Katie’s carton of cigarettes. Charmaine also grabs Katie’s lighter. She attempts to light the cigarette, but then realizes that she has to inhale the cigarette to light it. She regretfully holds the cigarette to her mouth and inhales while lighting it. She coughs as she exhales and her eyes widen as Katie tosses in her sleep. However, the cigarette is lit. Charmaine takes the edge of the cigarette and brushes it against a pile of clothes that are in a laundry basket on the floor next to wear Katie is sleeping. She does this in an attempt to catch the clothes on fire.
It will look as if it just fell from her hands while she was sleeping, things Charmaine, and I mean, it EASILY could have.
Charmaine is not having much luck getting the clothes to catch fire by brushing the edge of the cigarette against one of katie’s shirts. The embers keep falling off onto the pile of clothes without catching the shirt on fire. Charmaine picks up a scarf that is in the pile. It lights quickly, but suddenly the entire laundry basket bursts into flame from the embers.
Charmaine’s jaw drops and her eyes widen.
She runs back to her bed and jumps in.
Charmaine: “Holy Crap! Katie! Katie! Wake up! Look what you did! Oh My God!” True panic is not in Charmaine’s voice as this is mostly going according to plan.
Katie wakes up accidentally knocks over the laundry basket with the burning clothes. The flaming clothes spill out into Katie’s closet catching items in Katie’s closet on fire.
The girls grab ahold of one another and Katie jumps up and down screaming her head off.
Charmaine: (level-headed now) “Katie. Calm down.”
Katie continues to scream her head off
Charmaine: “Katie! Calm down!
Katie’s screaming and terror increases!
Charmaine: “Katie!” Charmaine slaps Katie hard across the face. God that felt good!
Suddenly the whole entire closet explodes into fire with flames spilling out into the room.
Charmaine: in TRUE terror! “Jesus F-ing Christ!”

Scene 15:
Everyone is standing outside of the dorm in their pajamas. Rain is pouring down and a fire truck and firemen can be seen.
Katie is covered in a blanket and is being interrogated by two firemen and a school official. Charmaine is walking away from them, apparently having just been released from their questioning. She walks over to wear Bree, Hannah, and Penny are standing.
Penny: “Oh my gosh. We could have died. I mean, we could have burned alive.”
Bree: “It wasn’t that bad. I just talked to Emily. The fire was completely contained to Charmaine and Katie’s room.”
Hannah: “Oh Charmaine! All of your stuff! How awful!
Emily walks over to where the girls are standing.
Emily: “Is everyone ok? Charmaine? Are you alright? I imagine you’re pretty shook up.”
Charmaine: “Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal. Do you know for sure how the fire started?”
Emily: “Well, apparently Katie fell asleep smoking. She dropped the cigarette and a fire started. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the fire hadn’t have come into contact with all of the alcohol that Katie was illegally storing in her closet. I’m afraid that Katie has quite a bit to answer for. Charmaine, it looks like you will be getting a new roommate after all.”
Charmaine: “I just hate that it had to happen like this!”
Emily: “Yes, there is going to be some repair work done to your room. So in the mean time, you will need to bunk up in Bree and Penny’s room.”
Penny: (rushing forward to hug Charmaine) “Oh roomie! Don’t worry, Emily! We will take good care of her!”
Hannah: “Hey, where’s John? He didn’t stay in the building did he?”
Gus is standing nearby and Emily walks over to him.
Emily: “Gus, where’s John?”
Gus: “He didn’t’ come back to the dorm tonight. I haven’t seen him all weekend.”
The camera pans back over to the gang and starts to slowly close in on the concerned face of Bree.
Hannah: “It’s the night before the first day of class. Where could he be? Why on earth wouldn’t’ he be in his dorm room?”

Scene 16:
Early Monday Morning: John is back home in his room. He is packing his bookbag for the first day of class. His mother has brought him some bacon, eggs, and juice.

John’s mom: “I’m glad that you agreed to come home for the weekend. I think that maybe you should plan on coming home every weekend. It would be good for you.”
John: “No, mom. It would be good for you. It would make YOU feel better about things. It’s only going to make things worse for me.”
John’s mom: “Ugh. I don’t understand why you have to be so melodramatic about everything!” She kisses him on the head, but he pulls away, “I’m just worried about that thing. I worry about the influences out there. If I had known about it before you applied for college….”
John: “What? You wouldn’t have let me go? That’s great mom. That is a bang up parenting philosophy! I’m out of here.” John puts his bookbag on and rushes out of the house.
John’s mom: “Wait!” She rushes out and stands outside of the house in her nightgown. She has a container of pills in her hand, “You forgot your pills!”

John drives away in his red pick-up truck. Beside him his journal lays open. The camera closes in on the writing as John’s voice over read the passage that he had just written the night before.

“I thought I knew. I thought I knew the cure. Getting away and going to college was supposed to fix me. I thought I knew, but I had no idea how sad I would still feel. How is it possible to be surrounded by thousands of people my own age and still feel so isolated and alone? Running off to school. Running back home. I thought I knew what was going on. I thought that I knew the insides of me and the causes of things. I thought I knew, but I’m quickly discovering that I had no clue.”

End Episode II “You Think You Know”

Letting Out and Letting In

2004-12-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

I have been completely slack on the blog lately. I apologize to my many fans. (That sentence was LADDEN with sarcasm). 'The Book of John' is mostly a forum to get stuff 'out there'.

I firmly believe that everyone needs an outlet of some sort. It's important to give some sort of 'voice' to your thoughts and feelings. I think it must have something to do with validation.....

What's great about these online outlets is how it lets you in to a completely different part of someone that you thought you had figured out.

For example, I checked out my friend Clif's fotolog. It's this website where you can post photographs. I was strangely touched. Somewhat by the images, but mostly by his captions. They let me 'in' to Clif's perception of this world. The same can be said from everything to online music created and performed by Eric or by the countless away messages that serve as sounding boards for oh so many of my friends.

I just wanted to put this composition 'out there' so that you'd know I wasn't gone. I was merely distracted for a while.

Get Your Barf Bag Ready!

2004-11-17T21:36:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a month since I have updated this blog, but there is a valid excuse.

The unthinkable has happened. The drought is over. Just when I had given up all hope...
Just when I wasn't even expecting it.....John Pickett has found himself a man.

Yesiree folks. Hence the absence of much 'bloggin' lately. My life has been turned topsy turvy via my attempts to reschedule my life and re-orient my thinking to include a boyfriend.

That word. Boyfriend. My. Boy. Friend.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Just makes a big ol' smile spread across my face.

And who is this 'grin-inducing' boy you may ask? Dare you even ask? Do you realize that in asking me about him you risk being subjected to an avalanche of schoolgirl gushing? We are surely causing an increase in cavities with how sickeningly sweet we are. And for this, my friends, I apologize. I just can't stop talking about him. Just as I can't stop thinking about him. Shit, there slipped a bit of a gush.

Just bear with me my steadfast and true friends. As my friend Alex says, I'm granted a 'grace period' in which I can talk about my boy too much and people can't complain. I just hope I realize when the time is up. I'm sure ya'll will be there to remind me. ;)

So anyway....I'm going to stop this before I get out of control. And damn does Brian get me out of control.

Shit. I did it again. Ok, I'll just let one of my favorite movies do the talking for me. Refer back to this wonderful scene from Bridget Jones' Diary:

Bridget's Father: "Bridget?! Have you got yourself a boyfriend?"
Bridget Jones: With great pride and joy "I have father. I have!"

Bridget, girl, I know exactly whatchu talking bout babe!

(insert cute winkity wink inside luvy duvy joke to my boo right here ;))

Partying Like A Pornstar

2004-10-24T08:06:00.000-07:00

And the "ridiculousness" of my life continues. It's nothing more than a series of silly escapades!

Prepare thyself. Sit down.
I, John Pickett, hooked up with a porn star last night.
Ok, I said sit down. Breathe....count to ten.

Ok, come back to me now.
Wrap your brain around it. I know it takes a minute, but, yes, I made out with an honest-to-goodness real life pornstar last night!?

Wanna know the details. Here we go. His name was Ace Hanson. And I will forever hold a special place in my heart to that man seen here....

http://smutjunkies.com/profiles/r/e_stars/Reins_Eric/

"Smutjunkies"? Anyone know exactly what a "smutjunkie" is? I think I might be one. Anyway...the word of the day today is "Smutjunkie". Anyway.....

Patrick, Drew, and I go to Warehouse 29. And Warehouse...........

.............SUCKED big hairy donkey balls. No one cute. No one under 65.

Heavy drinking was obviously required to help remedy the sitch.

Suddenly they announce that Ace Hanson will be dancing in the showers. I pulled up a stool and sat my drunken (oh sooooo fucking toasted) ass down to watch the show. After the wet hotness I go up to shake Ace's hand and tell him how he made my night. He thanked me and then we chatted a bit. He went to go dance on the podium and I went up there later and gave him a few ones. Then he reaches down. Cups my face in his hands and plants a big ol' kiss on my shocked face. I walk away completely satisfied and thinking that maybe I actually accidentially gave him a couple of twenty's instead of a couple of ones. I mean why else would he have kissed little old me?!

Well cut to later when I'm sittin by the pool tables and Ace comes up to me again. We chat and he's very complimentary. Then....he grabs me. And. starts. to. friggn. make. out. with. me.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm drunk. Drunk as is physically possible and I am thinking (as much as is physically possible when you are that drunk) and I think to myself, "John..this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...jump on it!"

So I did.

Cut to the end of the dirty parts. Ace asks me to come back to his hotel room (Battlground Hotel room 216). I would have gone too, but Patrick wouldn't let me. Probably a wise call on his part. By not going home I think that I POSSIBLY avoided crossing the line into inappropriateness. Just possibly..... ;)

I just wish that all the people that I know and love could have been there to share this experience with me.

Oh, and then this morning I went to the Mebane Bisquitville in my bathrobe. Interesting little tidbit there. I LOVE MY LIFE!

Kids, You're Gonna Be Proud of Me

2004-10-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

When it rains enlightenment....it pours enlightenment. My blog from October 14th, caused such speculation and conjecture that I felt it needed addressing one more time.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm slightly more mature than I thought I was. If using your brain over your emotions and physical attraction is a measure of maturity, then I think I've made some progress. Realistically and rationally thinking, I don't think that I want to date any of those five guys I mentioned a while back and here are the reasons....

Bachelor #1: Not a giver, just a taker. In absolutely ALL areas of life.

Bachelor #2: Not compatable with me at all in lifestyle, maturity, or intelligence.
We're just in completely different stages of our lives.

Bachelor #3: The one I thought was the 'nice guy' is actually kind of a prick.
Part of what was so great about him WAS his looks,money, and
intelligence, but NOW I realize that he'd be the first guy to point
out ALL of those wonderful qualities that make him better than every-
one else. Can you say EGO?

Not So Much A Bachelor #4
Yeah he's hot and yeah I wanna do him, but really, that's ALL that I
would want out of him. He's not really dating material. I think he's
still in the kid in a candy store 'phase of gay'.

Not So Much A Bachelor #5
I like this one too much as a friend to jeopradize what we've got
over what might just be a slight crush on my part.

So there we go. I refute the five. Only because there's someone else on the horizon though........................

JUST KIDDING!

When Will I Ever Learn?

2004-10-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

It's funny how you can have something set in your mind. The way things are. The way that others perceive things. And then, it's even more funny how you can have all kinds of expectations built around your perceived view of reality.

It's funny how I do this over and over and over again.

What's so sad is how this can all come crashing down in one split second of clarity. A single sentence can cut through all of my delusions of granduer. A single undeniable fact can knock down all of my hopes and aspirations of how things are and will be. Knocked down like the silly stack of cards that it is.

Sometimes I think that I definitely live my life in my head. Reality filtered through the imagination of John Pickett is oftentimes much more desirable than John's real life.

Got my feet knocked out from under me. Silly stupid John that I am.

When It Rains Men...It Pours Men

2004-10-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

It wasn't all that long ago that I slid into a slight funk because there was absolutely no one around that I was romantically interested in.

The man well was dry.

Suddenly, I have new interests popping up all over the place, and I really don't know how to handle it, or whom to focus my energy on. I hesitate in even writing this, because I don't want it to come off as if I'm trying to be like, "oh I'm a stud" or "poor me, there are so many guys to flirt with". The reality of the situation is I'm not used to getting very much attention, especially from more than one guy at a time.

So here are the candidates.....

Bachelor #1
My age. This guy makes my heart beat fast and my blood flow even faster. I have more fun with him than I do with anyone else that I know. When we are together, we are always finishing each others sentences. We used to have a thing, and we've kinda been hooking up for the past year off and on. There are trust issues here, and, like most of the guys I ever really fall for, he's kind of known for being an asshole. Dare I risk putting myself out there again only to get hurt again?

Bachelor #2
Younger. Much Younger. Bachelor #2 is someone that I have kind of attempted to brush off, but like a good little stalker he won't back down. And the more that he refuses to go away, the more affection and respect I start to have for him. He surely goes after what he wants. On a physical level things are great, but intellectually we are not on the same level and he just doesn't take my breath away. But is that really all that important?

Bachelor #3
Older. Wow. This guy has it all. Looks. Intelligence. Charm. Money. He's great fun to talk to and be with. He says all the right things and is probably the first guy I've ever dated that intimidates me with his intelligence. He's a true gentleman and, therefore, not my type at all. I worry that he may be too good for me and out of my league, but despite that he says that he wants to go out with me, and I would have jumped on that in a heartbeat, but suddenly entered.....

Not so much a Bachelor #4
Younger. Ok, here's where that weakness of mine comes up. Yes, I have a history of being 'the other woman'. It's not something I'm proud of, but I've had a fling in the past with two different guys at two different times who both had boyfriends. I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's the thrill. Who knows. I'm not proud of it and I don't like that it happens, but once the ball starts rolling, it seems that I am helpless to stop it. This guy gets my motor running just by looking at me. Euphoria overcomes, the wind is knocked out of me, and it's all that I can do not to jump him on the spot. I've always been the kind of person that if I'm told not to do something I'm all the more likely to be hellbent on doing it.....

Not so much a Bachelor #5
Younger. Yes,in the words of Yoda..."There is another." There's not just one guy with a boyfriend that I'm intersted in, there are, in fact, TWO attached guys that I have a thing for. This one came about completely unexpectedly. What started out as a purely platonic interest is slowly turning into something that is very hard to articulate. Out of all of the guys that I've talked about, this is the one that I am least able to analyze my feelings for. Strangely enough, while this guy has a boyfriend, I think that he is one of the guys on here that I have to be most delicate with and he's definitely one of the ones that I care about not hurting most of all.......

So that being said. Let me know your thoughts on what, if anything I should do.
Don't you love it whem my blogs are interactive!? It's like survivor or big brother! Vote for your favorite and see what develops.....

A Thai Bri for JP?

2004-10-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

The following is a REAL email from my uncle.

Know the following before you read...
a) he does not know that I am a big homo
b) he is married to a woman from Thailand

Ok. Get ready to bust a gut.

"I have no idea what your social situation is like, but would you be
interested in corresponding with some women in Thailand? During one of
our trips there, I mentioned that I had a nephew and ever since our
friend has been looking for good Thai women for you. :-) When she found
out that Lynn was coming to visit in November she asked if you could
come along!!! Apparently she has a couple of nice Thai girls from good
families interested in meeting an American man!! If you are not
interested, "no" is a perfectly acceptable answer. :-)

You are always welcome to visit here, or to travel with us overseas
too.

Take care!!
Justin"

Oh my god. What the hell? Do I LOOK like a mail order groom!?

Pilot Episode of "The Script"

2004-09-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

The Book Of John
Pilot Episode

Characters:
John Pickett
Kelly
Gus Tasjian
John’s Mom
Penny
Charmaine White
Charmaine's Dad
Bree Snow
Emma Snow
Mrs. Snow
Anthony Trainor
John’s Advisor
Anthony's Advisor
Bree's Advisor
Charmaine's Advisor
Emily
Hannah Emberson
Katie
CDC (Community Development Co-ordinator)

Scene 1: Outside street of Elon College….John Pickett and his high school friend Kelly ride up in his red truck. The truck is filled with some dorm stuff. John pulls up and parks by the curb. They get out and survey the street.

Kelly: “So this is it huh? This is Elon.”
John: “Yeah, (excitedly) THIS IS IT! God, I can NOT wait. (looking at Kelly sincerely across the toolbox) I’m so glad that you’re here. I mean, it means the world to me, your coming down here with me to scope out my dorm and all.”
Kelly: “Not a problem. For the next four years, I will be living my college experience vicariously through you. I’m just lucky that you’re only going to be an hour away from home. (John gives her a look) So do we want to load up!?”
John: “Nah, (walking up onto campus” I don’t even know for sure if I can get in. I’m just hoping I can get a good look at my room. You know, get a feel for how I want to arrange things. Gus got to move in early because of some scholarship thing he’s involved in.”
Kelly: “Right, Gus. I can’t wait to meet this guy. Does he sound cute? Does he sound available?”
John: “He sounds alright. He’s from Massachusetts. Anyway, I’m excited. I’m sure we’ll end up doing everything together. (they reach the dorm) Alright! It’s open!”

Every have one of those nights before you’re about to leave for a big trip and you just can’t sleep? That’s how I felt right before I started my freshman year of college. I remember when I was a little kid. The night before the day we were going to go to Disneyworld, I couldn’t sleep. I tried a million different positions, scrunching and rescrunching my pillow, alternating stuffed animals to see if one would help me sleep better than the other. I was so excited, so impatient for us to pull out of the driveway and head to the happiest place on earth. Well that’s how I’d felt for the past week. My bags and stuff had been packed and piled up in a corner of my room for over a week. I was ready to get away, ready for a new start, ready for the happiest place on earth for any 18 year old; COLLEGE! I had it all planned out in my head. At the time and in my mind I felt that life was finally gonna get good, and it would al start now….

Scene 2: Third Floor of the dorm. John’s floor. Commonly known as VA3.

Kelly: “(Huffing and Puffing) Oh my god. Carrying your junk up all of those stairs is going to be fun.”
John: “(distractedly) I know right. 308. 310. 312. 312! 312! This is it, this is (pushing open the door) (HORRIBLY LOUD RAP MUSIC POURING OUT….STEAM POURS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.) this is….small, and loud, and wet? And small. ”

Gus comes out of the bathroom. Short, wet, and naked.
Gus: “What the hell?!”

Kelly (looking at Gus): “Small. Definitely Small.”

CUT TO CREDITS

Scene 3: Move in day on campus. Cars, tents, parents, students, move in stuff EVERYWHERE!!! John is standing at a tent exasperatedly conversing with a CDC.

John: “Look, I KNOW that I’m not technically supposed to move in yet, but what I’m trying to tell you is that my roommate has been moved in for like a week, and all of my stuff is already moved in, and all that I’m missing is that (pointing to key board) little key. So why don’t you just give me that, and check me off your list, and move on to another hot, tired, thirsty, sweaty, freshman.”
CDC: “RIIIIIIIGHT. (Leaning and looking past John and saying overly bubbly) “Hi! Welcome to Elon. Can I get your name and room assigment?”
The parent pushes her child past John.

John walks back over towards the dorm where his mom waits in the shade.
John’s Mom: “No such luck huh?”
John: (Sighing) “No mom, no such luck. Let’s go back up to my room. I don’t want to get locked out by my (sarcasm) “oh so courteous” roommate. I mean there’s no telling what else he’s claimed or rearranged. I mean Kelly and I came here THREE days early to check out the dorms and he was already there! It’s not fair! Wait…a…minute.”
John turns, squinting his eyes at the tent where the CDC has gotten up out of her seat to grab a coke. This is his chance. He could make a run for it. He looks to his left. He looks to his right. He charges like he’s running down a football field. Knocking water coolers and college kid’s parents out of the way. Nothing, NOTHING will stop him from getting that key. He reaches the peg board and snatches the key with one swift motion.
(end fantasy sequence)
John’s Mom: “Come on, it’s not that bad. Just the first day.”
John is brought back to reality.
John: “True, I mean I guess it can’t get any worse. He’s taken the best side of the room, the best desk, the best closet. I mean really, there’s nothing left for him to take!”
John’s Mom: “(Turning to face him. Stopping in front of him) This from the child who had his entire room packed up in boxes two weeks before move in day! Where’d all that excitement go? Where’s all that energy you had!?

John’s Mom moved and directly in John’s face is Jenny Hornback, bubbly, bubbling over with good joy and excitement.

“Introductions” flashes across screen in white letters/black background

Penny: “Hey there! I’m Penny! You’re on my hall. I recognized you down here cause of your yellow hat. You had it on in the hall when you were moving in?. I don’t know your name, but me and my mom were calling you yellow hat boy. Silly I know, but at least you’re identifiable! So what’s your name yellow hat boy?”
John: “I, uh, I’m John.”
Penny: (bobbing head) Well it is GREAT to meet you John! (looking over John’s sholder) OH! There’s another new person to meet! Isn’t this just sooo exciting!? I’m sure I”ll talk to you later. Come see me! I’m in 304!!!”
Exit Penny
John turns to mom: “Don’t even THINK I’ll display THAT sort of excitement. I just want this over with. I want to just get moved in and get this OVER with!”

Scene 4: Camera transitions up the outside of the dorm. Pans into window. Goes thru dorm room where mom and daughter and family are unpacking. Goes thru hall and into opposite room where an African American girl is sitting on her bed, her name is Charmaine White. Her dad is peeking thru the bathroom trying to check out his daughter’s suitemates.

Charmaine's Dad: “Hmmmm..Well I can’t make very much out. They’re white. Definitely from up north….
Charmaine: “Dad! Get away from there! I don’t know why you think they can’t see you!”
Charmaine’s Dad: Well if you’re not going to go introduce yourself, I don’t know how else to size them up.”
Charmaine: “FINE! If that will stop your peeping tom self then I will! (Charmaine gets up, stomps thru the bathroom. She peeps through slightly open door. Sees a red-headed girl and her mother. Charmaine taps on the door.

Mother: “Come in?”
Charmaine: “Hi there (walking over to red-haired girl) I’m Charmaine. It looks like we’re going to be suitemates.” (pumping the girls hand, the girl looks like she’s been ambushed)
Girl: “Uhhhhh”
Mother: “No, actually Charmaine the two of you will NOT be suitemates. (Charmaine looks puzzled) But it is very nice to meet you. This (pointing to another red-haired girl who has entered the room) is your suitemate. The girl whose hand you’re still shaking is my high school aged daughter.”
Charmaine: (Flustered) “OH”
The red-haired girl who has just entered the room walks over to Charmaine, her name is Bree Snow.
Bree (holding out her hand): “Hi, I’m Bree”
Charmaine: “Charmaine” (taking Bree’s hand)

Freeze the Frame. John voice over. Ok, these people may seem a bit random and inconsequential right now, but trust me. THIS was a historical moment in the history of my college experience. These two girls, Charmaine and Bree would form the backbone of the greatest family I would ever know. My college family.

Resume Frame…..

Suddenly Penny bursts into the room and breaks between Charmaine and Bree.
Penny: “OH Bree!?! Is THIS one of our suitemates?!? How exciting! I’m Penny. SOOO nice to meet you!! Wow, this is sooo great. We are gonna be like sisters! God has truly blessed me”
Penny hugs Charmaine.
Charmaine looks TRULY disturbed by the bubbly Penny. She looks to Bree. Bree has a look of utter helplessness on her face. Bree catches Charmaine’s glance. Bree smiles and rolls her eyes.
Charmaine meets her gaze. Looks relieved, and grins a beautiful relaxed grin.

Over Charmaine’s shoulder John’s roommate Gus can be seen walking by the door. The camera focuses in on Gus and follows him down the hall where he turns to poke his head in the dorm room. John is putting up and sorting through his large collection of movies.

Gus: “I’m going to dinner. Throw me my wallet.”
John throws Gus his wallet from Gus’s bed and Gus is gone. John looks out the window and sees lots of ‘herds’ of freshman heading towards the dining halls.

John’s mom puts some jeans into a drawer and closes it.
John’s Mom: “Well dear, I guess I’m going to scoot on out of here unless there’s something else you need me to do. Is that alright with you?”
John looks at his mom, not overly excited about her leaving. There is a longing in his eyes
We’d spent 18 years yelling, fighting, getting on each other’s last nerve, and then right as she was about to leave me here to enjoy my independence, one phrase came to mind, “I want my mommy.”
John: “Yeah, sounds great. I’m cool.” John says as he glances out the window again.
John’s mom, smiling: “Alright. (leaning and kissing him on top of his head) I love you. Call me tomorrow and let me know how things are going. Oh, and don’t forget, at 4:00 you are supposed to go and meet with your advisor.”
John’s mom leaves.
John sits on his bed for a minute. Loudness, laughter, running is going on out in the halls. John walks to the door and peers out at all the people. Everyone is with someone else. John closes the door and goes back to sorting his movies. He stops. Crawls into bed and pulls his comforter over his head. He pulls it back up and rolls over. Laughter, the beat of a loud stereo, and collegiate bells ringing can all be heard.

Scene Five: Close up on John’s face. He is directly across from his alarm clock. He is asleep and then opens his eyes widely. It is ten past four.

John: “CRAP! I’m supposed to be with my advisor right now!”
John JUMPS out of bed and runs out the door.
He immediately comes back in and grabs a campus map.
John (to himself): “Crap! I don’t even know where I’m going.”

Scene Six: John is running across campus looking at his map for Carlton Hall. Upperclassmen and Freshmen are totally looking at him and snickering. He stops out of breathe in front of a building that has no name, just a sign that says, under renovations. John is desperately looking at his campus map trying to discern if this is Carlton Hall. A young man is sitting on the steps. He, unlike, John appears very put together. Very collegiate and is reading a book. He definitely appears to be an upperclassman. He looks up at John and says, “What hall are you looking for?”

John: “Huh? Oh, Carlton. Is this Carlton? (Suddenly sure of himself and poking at the map sharply) This IS Carlton!”
Anthony: “Yeah….this is Carlton. (Anthony looks up at the sign on the building and quickly putting his book in his messenger bag). I was just about to go in myself..” He sticks out his hand.
John: “John Pickett: Clueless freshman. Nice to meet you. (Anthony holds open the door to Carlton as the two guys walk in….) I’m actually late for my first meeting with my advisor….”
John and Anthony’s entrance is met with the stares of about 40 students and two faculty members who are at the front of a small auditorium. John and Anthony quickly and embarrassingly do an about face.
John: “Not Carlton. Not Carlton at all.”
Anthony: “Ha, apparently not! To be honest (looking at John sheepedly) I was actually waiting here to see if anyone else was going in, so I wouldn’t look like a dumbass if I traipsed up in there and just had to walk right back out. I couldn’t find Carlton either! (Anthony sticks out his hand) Anthony Trainor: Equally clueless freshman”

Cut to a shot of a building across the lawn. A girl screams, “THERE”S CARLTON!!!” and runs toward the building. Several other students run across to the building.

Cut back to Anthony and John.
John: “Apparently we aren’t the only ones who had a difficult time. Let’s see if our advisors will still even meet with us.”

Scene Seven:
The Knowledgeable Advisor flashes up in white letters on a black screen.

A professor’s office.. Bree, the red head from before sits opposite a professor. The professor rifles through some papers.
Professor: “So, Caroline? You are from Kentucky and plan on studying physical therapy I see?”
Bree: “Um, No….my name is actually Bree Snow? I am from Lancaster, PA and I haven’t really decided on a major yet.”
Professor: “Oh!” rifling though papers and files, “Sorry about that, Ok..Erin Snell! Here you are!”
Cut to Bree with a deadpan face.
I always found the advisors in college to be soooo helpful. (sarcasm)
The advisor/advisee montage begins

Professor: “18 hours? Hmmm. That seems an awful lot for a freshman Mr. Um….(riffling though papers more)
Anthony: Trainor, Anthony Trainor. Yes, well I was valedictorian of my class AND senior class president. I am a multitasker. I’ve got to get a lot of classes packed into these four years if I’m going to graduate with degrees both in music and biology.
Professor(a horrible cynical evil laugh!!) a translation runs across the bottom of the screen as he laughs which reads: I don’t intend to discourage you, son, but I’ve seen many a student enter into this college as a freshman with lofty aspirations to double major in two such differing majors, and it almost never pans out. And by the way, go ahead and forget about ALL of your high school experiences. They don’t mean $!@# here.
John: “Well, you see, my scholarship is for teaching, so I have to graduate with a degree in education, but my REAL reason for coming here is your film school. The scholarship was just kind of a means of paying for this place.”
Professor: “Hmmm, I see, so you’re heart really isn’t in education then?”
John: “Oh no no. I’m passionate about teaching. (trying to be convincing) I believe the children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way!”
Professor: “You don’t really seem to know what you want to do? Don’t you realize that every second of your adolescent indecision, post pones all of your chances at success in whatever career path you set out on and that every minute you dilly dally with an undeclared on your transcript will cause you to fall one step further down the ladder of society until you’ll be sitting on your sore ass looking up at all of the people who knew, at this moment that you do not, what they want to make of their life?”
Charmaine: “Yeah…….about that. Um, I figured I’d figure that out as I went along?”
Professor: “I know what you need to do. Take it from me, what you need is….”

“BEER!! Going on a beer run! John, do you want to go in with me and get some beer from these two seniors I ran into?” Gus to John as John sitting outside of the REAL Carlton building looking over his schedule for the fall.
John: “What? No, I. I don’t understand this class schedule thing. I can’t tell if this class is a Monday Wednesday Friday or a Tuesday Thursday? Does this make any sense to you?”
Nick: “No. BEER makes sense to me. We are at college and I am here. To. Drink. BEER!”
Nick walks away.
Penny, walks out of her advisors office and sits down on the couch next to John.
Penny: “HI again Yellow Hat Boy! You’re like that guy in the books with the monkey. You know, curious bob or whatever. I just LOVE children’s books don’t you?!”
John: Still looking at his schedule. “Yeah, sure. Nothing better!”
Penny: “I’m waiting for my roommate and my suitemate and we are going to go to dinner together. Would you care to join us?
First College Pop Quiz: Which would be the worse way to die a horribly public social death? A) Eating dinner alone at a dining hall B) Eating dinner with Miss Mary Sunshine or C) Starving slowly to death as a result of hiding out in my dorm room and not eating at all? THESE were desperate times.
A voice from behind John: “Ok, Penny. You ready for some grub?”
John turns to see Bree followed by Charmaine. A look is shared between Bree and John.
Penny: “Bree, Charmaine: this is my new friend John!”
Charmaine to Bree(whispering): “Oh no. Is he another one like her?”

John smiles a BIG ASS smile.

Scene Eight:
John, Bree, Charmaine, and Penny sit in a crowded and lively dining hall.
Penny: “So are you guys heading down to the bon-fire tonight?”
Cut to group: Silence
Cut to Penny: Head bobbing expectantly
Charmaine: “Are you going?”
Penny: “Are you kidding? Of course I’m going!”
Charmaine: “I think I’m gonna have to sit this one out. You know, maybe get a head start on some of my textbook reading.”
John: “Yeah, highlighting is the best. I just cant’ get enough.”
Penny: pause. “OK. I’m gonna go get some salad.”
Penny goes to the salad bar.
Bree: “So this bonfire mixer?”
Charmaine: “Totally going. So, John? Right? Where are you from?”
John: “Close by actually. My family only lives about 30 minutes away from here."
Bree: “Wow. I mean, you didn’t stray too far from home.”
John: “No. No, I guess I didn’t. I have a very close-knit family. You know…(changing the subject) where are you two from?”
Charmaine: (quickly) I’m from New Orleans, and Erin is from the land of the Amish. Oh my god. I think I’m gonna have an allergic reaction.”
Bree: “Oh my god!”
John: “To what?!”
Charmaine: “To (looking at erin and glancing back to Penny who is heading back to the table with some newfound friends in tow) Little Miss Bubbly. She’s BAAAAACK. Seriously, I’m feeling naucious. Ya’ll need to walk me back (Charmaine winks to Bree and John).”
Bree: “Ok. I’ve got this. I’ll run interference.”
Bree gets up to intercept Penny while John and Charmaine head to the door.
Penny: (looking concernedly over Bree’s shoulder as Charmaine is faking some physical distress) “Is Charmaine ok?”
Bree: “Actually, she’s feeling a bit overcome.”
Cut to John and Charmaine.
John to Charmaine: “You’re really a piece of work aren’t you?!”
Charmaine: “Yeah, I think maybe I should major in drama.”

Scene Nine:
John, Bree, and Charmaine are sitting in Charmaine’s dorm room eating cheese and crackers and laughing over the evening’s events.
Bree: “So these ROOMATES?!”
John: “Yeah, I think we got the pick of the litter.”
Charmaine: “Yes, You (pointing to John) have little man obnoxious. You (pointing to Bree) have little miss goody two shoes, and I have miss smokes-a-lot. I can’t BREATE in here. Everything reeks of smoke. Bree, pass me the Febreeze.” Charmaine sprays.
John: “So college. Wow. It’s hard to believe that we’re actually here. Advisors, orientation, classes, dorms, roommates. Are ya’ll finding this a little overwhelming?”
Bree (with sarcasm, gesturing with her hands): “Just a little bit.”
John: “I mean, all these years. All though high school, and even before. All that I wanted was to get out of my house. To have some freedom and to, you know, get a life. Get out and experience. Be independent. Now I’m here. I’m out. And all that I can think is….”
Charmaine: “I want my mommy.”
John (surprised): “Exactly. We’re on our own now. We’re all alone.”

From the door. Katie, Charmaine’s roommate opens the door and steps halfway in. Smoking a cigarette with exaggerated smoke coming off of her.
Katie: “Hey guys, First Hall meeting. Downstairs in the foyer. Come on.” Dozens other students from the dorm make their way down the hall.
Charmaine: “Alrighty, we’ll be down in a second.” Charmaine runs to the door and opens it back and forth like a fan as she sprays the room with febreeze and makes gagging faces.
She pulls her shirt up over her nose: “I’m going down!”

Bree laughs and John smiles. They start to make their way to the door, but Bree turns around to face John.
Bree (touching John on the shoulder “By the way, you were kinda oxymoronical, what you said.”
John: “Huh?”
Bree: “You said ‘we’re all alone.’ Well, you’re wrong. That’s not possible. If there’s a we then you can’t be alone. Right?” She gives John a good-natured wink.
John: “I guess not huh?”
Bree: “Exactly. We’re in this together. This whole crazy new thing.” Suddenly Bree gets tackled and pushed out of sight through the door frame caught in an insane hug from Penny.
Penny: “Our first hall meeting! I can’t wait! Come on down roomie!!”
The phone in John’s room rings.

Penny turns to John: “Come on. You don’t want to miss the ice-breaker games!”
John: “I’ll be down in a minute.”

John goes to his room and picks up the receiver. Gus walks into the dorm room just as he does this. Gus flips on the stereo, the TV, takes off his shirt throwing on the floor, and plops onto the futon.
Gus: “Screw this hall meeting b.s.”
John gives Gus a look that says this is unbelievable and walks out into the hallway and sits against the wall.

“Hi mom. Yeah. No things are ok. No, I’m excited. Gus? He’s…he’s great. Oh you are? Aw. Well tell everyone I said hi. (While John is on the phone a girl has come up the stairwell. She is red-faced and crying. She hurries past John, trying not to let him see her face. She goes into her room and throws the door shut, but it doesn’t close all the way. “No, no, that’s fine. I’ll just call you later. I love you. Goodnight.”

John gets off of the phone and the door to the girl’s room slowly swings open. The girl is standing in front of the mirror crying.

John: “Um. Are you alright?”
Girl (startled, she turns and looks at John): “Oh. Oh this. (forcing a smile and a laugh) This is nothing. I’m…just…I mean it’s…my… Oh my god. I AM a horrible actress. I can’t even convince a complete stranger that I’m ok!”
John: “Hey, you don’t have to convince me of anything. I’m John. I just moved into 312. If you wanna talk. I mean, if there’s anything I can do…” (John notices a box of tissues and takes one out handing it over to the girl).
Girl (sitting down on her bed): “Thanks. I’m Hannah. So, you’re a freshman?”
John: “Yeah. As fresh as they come.”
Hannah: “I’m a sophomore. This…all of this is about my major. I’m a…wait, no. I was a music theatre major up until about ten minutes ago. My advisor. My department. They just informed me that they don’t think I quote ‘have what it takes’ end quote to make it in this business. I mean I came here. Last year, I came here and I made it in. Did you know that this university has one of the most competitive musical theatre departments there is?”
John: “No, I had no clue.”
Hannah: “Well it does. I got here and I thought. I’ve done it. I’ve made it. Things are gonna get good now. I’m finally going to get to work on making my dreams happen. You know? I had this plan. This plan for how it was going to be. And now. Look at me! I have no plan. No clue what I’m going to do with my life. I’m such a fool.” Hannah starts to cry again.
John: “You’re not a fool.”
Hannah: “You don’t even know me.”
John: “You’re right I don’t. But, I’m starting to get this feeling that….I really don’t know anything. I don’t have any great advice, but I do know that if you’re a fool, then you’re not the only one. I think this might be a whole campus full of fools searching for something to make them feel…I dunno…a little less lost?”
Hannah: (calmed by John’s words and smiling): “Gee. You’d think I’d be the one with the melodramatic monologue. So are you lost Mr. John?”
John: “Yeah, I think I am, but I know where I’m going right now.”
Hannah: “And where’s that?”

Hannah and John overhear the following scuffle in the hall…
Gus: “Forget it crazy chick. No, I mean it. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.”
A door slams.
Penny appears in the hallway.
Penny (looking slightly worried): “They sent me up here to get ya’ll. Ya’ll aren’t gonna slam the door in my face are you?”

John (smiling): “No, we were just about to get on our way.”

End Pilot.

Next Episode:
John is pressured by his family to come home each weekend.
Katie and Charmaine battle over Katie’s right to smoke
resulting in Charmaine getting a new roomate.
Hannah introduces her boyfriend Noel to the group and Penny
discovers that his is abusive.
We discover that Anthony has a secret
Bree discovers that John is a pill-popper.
John goes home over the weekend; partly because it is
expected of him, and partly to run away.

Vacating Life

2004-09-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation. It's great. It's great, at least, until about a week into it. Then, to borrow a phrase from this guy that I know, my vacation suddenly becomes 'boring as hell.'

This guy that I know uses this in every other sentence. Everything is either 'cool as hell', 'hot as hell', 'funny as hell'. It's really annoying as hell, so it's ironic that I quote him in discussing my vacation and all of the time that I seem to suddenly have on my hands.

I am a person that is all about living life to its fullest. Sometimes, however, I wonder if I get too caught up in being 'out' that I don't always remember the importance or even have the ability to sit quietly in a room by myself doing nothing. When I'm alone and not reading or watching a movie, I just don't know what to do with myself. I even find it difficult to sit down and read or watch a whole movie. I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm not out and about.

I have to be out. Out shopping, out drinking, out partying, out dancing, out eating, out playing, out hanging with friends, out watching movies. Anywhere, so long that I am out. I can't seem to stand it if I have nothing penciled in the calendar for a given day.

Is going out all the time, keeping myself occupied all of the time, a way to experience life to the fullest extent, or am I merely keeping myself entertained?
It sure is 'fun as hell'. However, am I actually living life or am I simply finding ways to avoid it? Am I going through life keeping myself entertained and failing to live in it like one should?

Oh my god. This TOTALLY sounds like a Dear Abby letter. I think I'll sign it....

Mr. Amiliv N. Itright

If I were a TVP

2004-09-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

I'm often stopped on the street and asked, "John, why are you so happy all of the time? What's your secret to living a happy life?" So I thought I'd take a moment to share my secret.

Ok, not really. But if I were famous and shit. I'm sure that would happen. I keep reading these articles by people like Tom Hanks, Donald Trump, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kathie Lee Gifford, about how to lead a happy life. Well, shit. If Kathie F-ing Lee can write and atricle about what makes a happy life, then John F-ing Pickett can as well...

(AND here I DIGRESS...)

Oh, and by the way, I've TOTALLY decided what I want to be when I grow up. So, I'm ridiculously addicted to these clip shows on VH1. It's sad really. I wake up on a Saturday with my list of productive things to do and saunter into the living room for a bowl of Cheerios. I flip on the telly and there's 'I Love the 90's' and all the rest of the world just slips away. I'm there. I'm there all fucking day watchin hours and hours of TV Personalities commentate. I realize that I don't know who half of these people are. Never seen them in my life. I look at the little title that flashes across the screen and I see that it's 'Mr. Blabbity Blah Blah, TV Personality. It's at that moment that I new my destiny. I want to be a TV Personality when I grow up. I mean, I like TV. I'm good looking enough that people wouldn't barf when they see my face. AND, I have a personality. I'm funny. I'm witty. I should TOTALLY be a TV personality. Soooooo...if anyone has any tips for breaking in to the fabulous and scintillating life of the TV Personalitly, clue me in.

Anyway, here we go...
John's Rules For Living A Happy Life

6)Do something every week that scares you a little. Something that pushes against your comfort zone.
5)Don't be thrifty, spend that shit.
4)Though it's cliche, fight to keep a positive attitude
3)Keep in touch with your friends and family, even when it's difficult. In the long run, they will always be an asset to your happiness.
2)Always, always plan your life so that you have something to look forward to.
1)Make time for the important things in life, and everything else will fall in to place.

This Blog brought to you by: John Pickett, Aspiring TV Personality

My Pushy Family...

2004-09-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

I hear from a whole bunch of people who read this, so I'm putting this post out into the world of cyber space mainly for some feedback.

My Dad, step-mom, baby sis and brother, grandmother and stepgrandfather are all going to the beach for a weekend that is coming up. My grandmother had this wonderful idea (that's sarcasm there)that I should come too. Now I love my grandmother, but she can be a little pushy and controlling. I guess I know where I get it from huh?

She wants me to come for the weekend and invited me. That's all well and good. I told her that I would think about it. Again, I love my family but I"m not sure that I want to spend three whole days out of my precious break with them down at the beach. So today, I get an email from grandma saying that she changed their hotel reservations so that I can get my own room at the beach. I can't believe that she went ahead and did that!! Now there's even MORE pressure to come. I sometimes wish that my family would realize that I'm 23 years old and that I need a little space.

I really don't want to go, but the 'will' of my family is strong. I'm constantly bending my will to theirs. I know that I shouldn't be complaining about an invitation to the beach, it's just that my family has such unrealistic expectations for how much time I am supposed to spend with them and those of you that know me know that they ALWAYS HAVE!

So please, email me, or IM me or whatever and give me some advice as to how to handle this oh so delicate situation.

Strangers in the Making?

2004-09-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

I once read this book by Larry McMurty entitled All My Friends Are Going To Be Strangers. The book really wasn't all that memorable, but I've been thinking about that title a whole lot recently. Through the years I've learned to become rater accepting of change. Nothing lasts forever, and I try to embrace that. And I do, as long as life is willing to bargain with me.

It's like this.
Me: "Hey, Life what's up?"
Life: "Nuthin much. Just chillin. Thinking about throwing a few curve balls your way. What do ya say?"
Me: "Gosh, Life, why ya gotta go and do that? I guess I'll be ok with that as long as there are a few constants in my life, like say....let me keep my best friends always ok? Change everything else, but my friends are the most important thing in the world to me."
Life: "Deal."

However, life doesn't seem to be bargaining cuz he is totally fucking with my relationships now.

My high school friends, sure. We've basically lost touch. I attribute that to not realizing how to keep in touch or the importance of doing so. We were young and college was an effective seducer away from each other. But my college friends, I love them more than anything in this world. I consider them my family. And that being the case, I think we are having some domestic issues.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I had a significant other or whatever. I'd like to think that I wouldn't be one of those people who makes themselves completely available to their partner while the partner never compromises his or her own life even the most remotely. In reality, I'd probably be like that, but that's not the situation I'm in. However, I think it's really easy for people to get so caught up in that one intense relationship that they become clueless to how they are spending less and less energy keeping up their friendships. Trust me, I've seen romantic relationship after romantic relationship crumble, but friends are always there. That is, unless you run them off by not spending time with them and investing in their friendship. I've seen that happen time and time again as well. People get all wrapped up in the luvy duvy bullshit and when reality comes a knocking and Mr. Wonderful shows his true colors, they ain't go no friends or social life to be found.

And then there's the danger or doing things with your 'old friends' soley out of obligation. A friendship can not exist on that. When you see everyone everyday, it's no big thing to say 'no' to an occasional invite. However, when you see each other maybe once every week or two, if you don't feel like hanging out this one time, then you feel guilty saying 'no'. I feel like my 'crew' of friends is in jeoprady.

There is disconnection and disappointment brewing and I don't like it one bit!

Life is fucking with the intimacy of our relationships and I'm ready for life to step the fuck off!

I don't want all of my friends to become strangers. Without my friends, I have nothing.

This Will Rock Your World

2004-09-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

Part of the mission of this blog is to enlighten the masses. Therefore, I feel that it is my duty to spread this message. Be sure you are sitting down for this one.

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" is sung to the same tune as "The ABC Song"!!!

I NEVER realized that. Nothing. NOTHING. Will ever be the same.

The Day I Got Beat Up BY the Gym...

2004-09-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is the true and tragic story of the day that I was beat up on by exercise equipment. Sadly Ms. Beyonce Knowles was an accomplice in this disturbing tale of the macabre.

I was working out. Minding my own business. Watchin some videos on MTV. Seems harmless enough right?

I'm treadgroovin. You know...shakin my thang like it ain't no thang a little bit as I work out. It's good for the heartrate I'm told. Gettin down to a little Usher as I usher away the pounds.

Then Beyonce comes on. Love of my life. Mistress of movin'it. If you know John Pickett, then you know that he has this uncontrollable reaction to the song "Crazy in Love." I've been pyschologially conditioned like Pavlov's dogs to go into an immediate Beyonce impersonation when those first few trumpets start a blowin.

So all is fine and thumping. Working out on the 'mill. Shakin' my ass. And
then I go up for the 'twist your Beyonce arms around your head' move.

I do this once. No problem.

I do this twice. I am hot.

I do this thrice and WHAM! next thing I know I am fall flat on my ass on the treadmill and then WHABAMM! The treadmill sends me flying off into the wall.

In one swift motion the gym has literally kicked my ass!

Laugh if you must. I put this up here only so that future Beyonce lovers and gym go-ers will learn from my tragic mistake that the two do not mix!

"No Pain, No Gain?" Well, baby, I'm in some F-ing Pain!!

2004-08-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

*WARNING* VENTING AHEAD!

So I've been really good for the past eight months about working out regularly. I know this. Then why is it, that my body doesn't seem to have gotten the memo??!?? I eat less. I eat better. I work out more. Yet I feel like I'm just keepin my metabolic head above the water! It's some tough shit kids.

The other morning, for instance, I woke up and decided to have a glass of juice and then go work out. I drank said juice and hippity hopped out to the gym. One of my favorite things about working out on the machines used to be the neat digital count of how many calories I had burned. I say 'used to be' because the novelty quickly wore off and the "calorimeter" has now become the bane of my existence! I worked off a kickass amount of calories and then sauntered back in to my apartment. I decided to have another glass of juice. THIS is when I decided to see just how many calories were in that seemingly innocent and sweet looking glass of juice. I looked at the numbers and realized that I had practially worked out and burned off JUST my FRIGGIN GLASS OF JUICE FOR THE MORNING!!!

I know. I know. I should be happy just to maintain. I should be happy that I'm just living a lifestyle that's more healthy. BUT I"M NOT DAMNIT! I wanna see results baby! Anyone know where one can get an application to "Extreme Makover?" Anyone?!

We'll see how long this lasts....

2004-08-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless."Thomas A. Edison

Old Tommy Boy sure knew what he was talking about. You can have plans for your life, your weekend, or for the next hour, but you never are guarunteed of what's to come.
Someone once told me that it's always important to a) have a plan, b) realize that nothin' EVER goes according to plan, and that c) in the end it doesn't really matter anyway.

Well, that's how my weekend went. It was STRICTLY NOT according to plan, it was 20 times better and from influences like Mikey 1, Erin Thompson, and Erich Himan I now give you (drumroll please!!!!......) the debut of John Pickett's Bloq!!!!

Back to the theme of plans...my life is certainly not where I had planned for it to be right now. It's not better than I ever imagined it would be (let's face it, John Pickett can have a hell of an imagination and high expectations) but it IS better than I ever thought it would realistically be.

Back in the day when Johnboy was just a lil' one deciding on his future, he thought that dreams DIDN'T come true. He thought dreams were for Disney movies. So when Johnboy got older, he took the 'safe' route of accepting a teaching scholarship and going to school for teaching because that was something he knew alot about, it was stable, and it was 'safe'. It was something that I thought I could tolerate for the rest of my life.

Little did I know how that decision would change my life and open me up to the strong knowledge that I now possess that dreams can come true, and in the most bizarrely wonderful and fucked up ways. The scholarship brought me to Elon University and to the most magical place on earth. Sorry Disneyworld....Elon gotcha beat. Through all of my experiences there with the spinning teacups and mad hatters that exist in the bubble, I came to realize that life can be whatever you make of it. So I guess what I'm rambling on about is how I want you to go out and shoot for the moon. Whoever is reading this, learn from me, that, though I'm SO incredibly happy with my life,...IF I had it to do over, I would take more chances, leap more, and run with abandon. Don't settle and don't sell yourself short. YOU have something that this world needs and you're not gonna get what you need or give what it needs until you you take a few risks.

Don't put your dreams in a dusty shoebox. Take them out and play with em!