Quarter Life Crisis
Quarter Life Crisis
Current mood: bitter and lost
Quarter Life Crisis
I seriously find myself hard-pressed to remember a time when I was more confused with my life.
*sigh*
I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't know where I belong. My family and I seem to be vessels that are constantly moving further and further apart towards different destinations on opposite shores. I am less and less able to relate to their right-wing, bible belt, conservative lifes, and they are less and less able to relate to my liberal, non-traditional, homosexual lifestyle. And then there's all the family drama on my Dad's side. It makes me just want to run far far away, because I don't know what I can do to make any of it better.
And then, I try to make new friends here. Not to replace the old, but to just have new deep friendships, but these new friendships just aren't don't compare with the gravity of connection that I have with those friends that have moved away. I hang out with the people at school, but they're ALL straight. I hang out with the people at Elon, and I feel like such a loser because I'm almost 25, and I think 'God, these college kids must think that I'm pathetic.' I want to finally 'break away from the bubble', but that just leaves me more alone than ever. And I guess that's just a huge part of this, even when I've gone through hardship before in my life, I never felt so lonely, so often as I do now.
And those issues are just the tip of the iceberg.....I don't know where I am supposed to head with my life. I don't know if I'm supposed to continue to love Brian, or if I"m supposed to be over him. Other guys express great interest, and I'm so cold and closed off to them. Is it truly because I am still so deeply in love with Brian, or is it truly because I'm so damaged from him? I don't know if I need to stay in Mebane, stay at my current job, or move to Charlotte and start work at a new job.
Basically, I feel like I don't know a damn thing. This is not a fun place to be ya'll. I'm used to feeling fairly in control. I'm used to working towards and looking forward to something, and lately, the only thing that I really seem to look forward to is crawling into bed and sleeping to escape having to think about any of these things.
Current mood: bitter and lost
Quarter Life Crisis
I seriously find myself hard-pressed to remember a time when I was more confused with my life.
*sigh*
I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't know where I belong. My family and I seem to be vessels that are constantly moving further and further apart towards different destinations on opposite shores. I am less and less able to relate to their right-wing, bible belt, conservative lifes, and they are less and less able to relate to my liberal, non-traditional, homosexual lifestyle. And then there's all the family drama on my Dad's side. It makes me just want to run far far away, because I don't know what I can do to make any of it better.
And then, I try to make new friends here. Not to replace the old, but to just have new deep friendships, but these new friendships just aren't don't compare with the gravity of connection that I have with those friends that have moved away. I hang out with the people at school, but they're ALL straight. I hang out with the people at Elon, and I feel like such a loser because I'm almost 25, and I think 'God, these college kids must think that I'm pathetic.' I want to finally 'break away from the bubble', but that just leaves me more alone than ever. And I guess that's just a huge part of this, even when I've gone through hardship before in my life, I never felt so lonely, so often as I do now.
And those issues are just the tip of the iceberg.....I don't know where I am supposed to head with my life. I don't know if I'm supposed to continue to love Brian, or if I"m supposed to be over him. Other guys express great interest, and I'm so cold and closed off to them. Is it truly because I am still so deeply in love with Brian, or is it truly because I'm so damaged from him? I don't know if I need to stay in Mebane, stay at my current job, or move to Charlotte and start work at a new job.
Basically, I feel like I don't know a damn thing. This is not a fun place to be ya'll. I'm used to feeling fairly in control. I'm used to working towards and looking forward to something, and lately, the only thing that I really seem to look forward to is crawling into bed and sleeping to escape having to think about any of these things.
posted by John | 7:05 AM
1 Comments:
Alright, unsolicited advice:
- I say this to everyone, but, wallow and marinate in all this stuff until you're so tired of it you want to make a change.
Then, a couple suggestions from this straight, northern boy who's got lots of gay friends.
- Find a P-FLAG group somwhere near by. They can both help with some of your family dynamics and there's always some folks who'll say what you wish your parents would say. http://www.pflag.org/
- Slow down. Be patient and persistant. Life really isn't a race. If your friends are in college and you enjoy thier company, good for you. If there are other kind of friends you need, too, look for them. Seek them out. If it takes you a year or more to find good, life long friends, that's really a small proportion of what will be you're whole life (although it may seem like a big proportion, now).
- As far as the partner department, there are some ways in which people make us and some ways in which people break us. You never know what the long term effects of either will be. But, regardless, you're not damaged irreperably. This experience is actually probably going to help heal even deeper wounds.
OK, I'll go back to reading from the sidelines, now.
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