Are you SURE you're ready to take on the World?

This morning I awoke rested and ready to face the world.

I ate some cereal. Watched some Ellen. Read a little.

Showered leisurely, dressed, and decided to go grab a Big Mac for lunch.

I had my keys in one hand and my other hand on the doorknob when I realized that I'd forgotten something critical.

I looked down at my tied shoes, white socks, and as my gaze continued up my white ankles to my hairy legs I realized that I'd forgotten to put on any pants.

The moral of the story is: just when you think you're finally ready for something...stop and check to see if you're wearing any pants.

Back on Track

Hello all..........

I know that it's been a rather long time since the last blog entry. I've taken a sabatical from many things, the blog included. I had tunnel vision, focused solely on getting out of my life as I know it. Somehow, over the past few months, with my mind targeted on Charlotte, my resume, roomate searches, and the works I hadn't noticed how much better my life had become.

Admittedly, the past six months leading up to the new year had been, well let's just say....not happy times. Miserable, hear-breaking, depressingly bleak times might be a bit more accurate. I lost myself in what was happening to me and kind of forgot to distinguish myself from all the bad shit that I had stepped in. What was happening to me, wasn't WHO I was. Once I figured this out, I also figured out alot of other things as well. At the forefront of this was the realization that I needed to move away from here and that I would and could make it happen.

Well with that thought still in mind, here is what is going on with me now.

1. I am staying in Alamance County one more year. I'm gonna stick at my school and try for my National Board Certification next year. It's an awful trying and laborious project but it will be well worth the money and opportunity after it's all said and done. Then, at the end of next year, I will have my certification to teach anywhere in the country AND I will have paid off my promise to teach in NC for four years (my teaching fellows scholarship). In other words, I'll be free, primed and ready, to move anywhere in the country. This year I will save up for that big move and spend more time planning. I'm very content with my decision and think it's the best and most mature thing to do at the moment.

2. Brian and I are back together. While it may not be the most popular choice, I am happy and optimistic about our second time around. I believe in love and forgiveness and though many of you (you've even told me) find this to make me naive, I like to believe that this makes me wise and loving. The easy and safe thing to do would be to run away from my feelings and the possibility of getting hurt again. The daring romantic thing to do is to put myself out there and believe in love once again. It sure ain't easy. Folks sure aren't making it easy for us, but this is our decision and it's not the first time (nor the last) that many people don't agree with a life choice of mine.

So now, reader, you are up to speed. Things are good. I'll enjoy them while they last becuase the bitter makes the sweet so much better.

Nine Layers

LAYER ONE
Name: John
Birthdate: 03/02/81
Birthplace: Burlington, NC
Current Location: Burlington, NC (Anyone else see something wrong with that?)
Hair Color: Brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Sun Sign: Pisces
Innie or Outtie: Innie

LAYER TWO
Your heritage: German and English
The shoes you wore today: Size 13 sneakers (my favorite shoes)
Your hair: crappy
Your eyes: Blue and my one beloved feature
Your weakness: Guys who are clearly assholes to everyone but me, carnal urges like blowjobs and chocolate
Your fears: discovering that I"m wrong to believe that being a good person matters in the great scheme of things
Your perfect pizza: Homemade pizza is the best!
One thing you'd like to achieve: Not letting other people effect me


LAYER THREE
Your most overused phrase on IM: I strive hard to be original.

Your first waking thoughts: Brian

The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: his laugh
Your best physical feature: eyes?
Your bedtime: Does it really matter? I never sleep well anymore.
Your greatest accomplishment: Survival
Your most missed memory: How the hell can you miss a memory and know that it's missed?

LAYER FOUR
Pepsi or Coke: Coke all the way baby
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds Big Mac...OMG I want one now!
Single or group dates: Single

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate to eat, Vanilla to smell Cappuccino or coffee: Neither, I prefer Hot Chocolate, with a hint of vanilla ;)

LAYER FIVE
Smoke: No. YUCK.
Cuss: Not between the hours of 7:30 and 2:30. Like a sailor all other hours in order to make up for all of that tragically lost time Sing: Passionately, if not well.
Take a shower everyday: Often, twice a day.
Have a crush(es): I think I'm now to old for crushes...too old or too damaged.
Who are they: Crushes are for schoolgirls
Do you think you've been in love: yes
Want to go to college: Over and over and over and over and over and over Like high school: It was the BEST of times; It was the WORST of times
Want to get married: Flip floppin' on this one
Believe in yourself: Yes, if only others would.
Type with your fingers on the right keys: I am a fucking incredible typist.
Think you're attractive: Actually, yes, I do.Think

Get along with your parents: If I lie about who I am, everyone seems happy

LAYER SIX: In the past month, did you...
Drink alcohol: Only in large quantities
Smoke: GAG
Do a drug: Probably too much Brian for my system
Make Out: If only that was all I've done!
Go on a date: If only that was all I've done (again!)
Eat an entire box of Oreos: Will after I get that Big Mac
Eat sushi: I'd rather smoke.
Been on stage: My life is a stage. Don't you know that!? :)
Been dumped: Every single day I"m rejected.
Been in love: Every single day.


LAYER SEVEN: Have you ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes and lost my damn wallet

If so, was it mixed company: Yes, like I care.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: And turned into an apparent Maddona on the dancefloor, yes.
Been caught "doing something": Nope, keep the blinds pulled and the doors locked.
Been called a tease: I'm such a slut.
Gotten beaten up: Emotionally.
Shoplifted: I'm a teacher for God's sake!
If so, did you get caught: I'm too smart to get caught!


LAYER EIGHT
Age you hope to be married: Before I die. Not too high of an expectation I hope.
Numbers and Names of Children: Rachel Anne, Brandon Parker, B. Henry.
Describe your Dream Wedding: Christmas with white and silver and snow
What do you want to be when you grow up: A happy good person

What country would you most like to visit: Africa

LAYER NINE
Number of guys I have kissed: OMG...only about 30. Not as bad as I'd thought..
Number of boyfriends you've had: 2

Number of drugs taken illegally: one
Number of people I could trust with my life: many, fortunately

Number of CDs that I own: Not too many. Almost as many DVDs as I have and ya'll know that is scary
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Lots actually....around 10

Number of scars on my body: three

Number of things in my past that I regret: WOW. Many, but I hold fast to the belief that they helped me more than they hurt me in the end.

Gratitude Journal #1

Trying to be positive...Oprah-style.

Five things that I'm grateful for that happened today...

1. Erin and I having great and hilarious 'roomate' moments over Jelly Bellys, Star Jones, and "Dancing with the Stars"
2. Leland getting our of his bad mood and stealing MY away message....imitation equals flattery no?
3. Brian calling me to vent. I always like to be the 'shoulder'.
4. My kid's being SUPER-WELL behaved.
5. Talking to Alex on her birthday.

Here's to You, 2005!!!

Here's to You, 2005!!!!

2005, you sly dog you! You came into the world full of such hope and promise. You started off as one of the best years of my life, you sneaky little devil! Little did I suspect how you would destroy the very core of my belief system. Thanks for opening my eyes to reality and squelching all of the simplistic naive traits that I possessed! You truly believe in the 'tough love' approach and totally out-did yourself on the 'tough' part! 2005 really taught me alot of swell lessons!

In 2005........

I learned that it's awfully hard to teach a first grade class when you are depressed and angry at the world and that it is heartbreaking to look into the eyes of a child and know that there is no magic, no guiding force in the world and that their life, from this point on, will simply be a series of lies and dissappointments.

I learned that there are more shady, manipulative, lying people in this world than I ever realized and that they can fool even the smartest people.

I learned that wearing your heart on your sleeve only gets it dirty, nicked, and bruised.

I learned that believing that someone could truly be in love with me, and stay in love with me was an awful miscalculation on my part; I surely knew better.

I learned that the phrase, "blood is thicker than water" only applies if you have heterosexual blood coursing though your viens.

I learned that love conquers nothing, that giving only benefits those who take, and that only an idiot 'thinks with their heart'.

2005 sure was an enlightening year! Hip hip hor-fucking-ray!!

If only Cruise had kept control the year would have been sooo very different....

(I only wish I were clever enough to have written this....)


2005 Was All in Cruise's Control.......

It may not have been evident at the time, but when Tom Cruise was leaping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch, he was like a piston, churning the wheels of fate.

Had Cruise not chosen to express his love for Katie Holmes on that momentous May day, 2005 might have been very different. Just imagine:

Hurt by Cruise's cold, somber manner on "Oprah," Holmes storms out of the studio and announces that she's leaving the "War of the Worlds" star.

"He could have at least hugged an ottoman," Holmes says.

Spurned by the 27-year-old beauty, Cruise undergoes a period of self-examination and gives up Scientology. Devastated over losing its most famous member, the church quickly recruits Russell Crowe.

Enlightenment soothes Crowe's anger, and the notorious phone-tossing incident never happens (although there are reports of the actor flicking a Cheez-It at a hotel bellboy).

His good reputation takes a hit, though, when Crowe (promoting "Cinderella Man") calls "Today" host Matt Lauer "glib" while discussing medication. The word is apparently central to Scientology beliefs — like "sin" is for Catholics.

Crowe's "Cinderella Man" co-star, Renée Zellweger, thrown by the brouhaha, seeks solace not in country star Kenny Chesney, but someone just as surprising. She marries "American Idol" finalist Bo Bice, a decision criticized by Simon Cowell.

The wedding news breaks just as the circulatory dating of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hits full stride. It becomes too much for tabloid editors, who begin referring to them as Brangelinastonaughn.

The partner-swapping also elicits fierce debate over whether each relationship is based on true love or strategic image-making and movie-selling. The theory — dubbed "intelligent design" — doesn't quite make it to the Supreme Court.

One case that does make it to a courtroom, though, is Anna Nicole Smith's suit against Kanye West alleging that his hit song "Gold Digger" is about her.

The trial is dismissed, though, after Smith shows up late to court in her pajamas.

West remains bitter, a feeling intensified by the mishandling of Hurricane Katrina. At a telethon, his co-presenter, Mike Myers, is replaced at the last minute by Michael Jackson. A confused West then proclaims: "George Bush hates white people."

Distraught over his mistake, West joins Dave Chappelle in South Africa.

Paris Hilton never meets her would-be fiance, Paris Latsis. Instead, she becomes engaged to herself. "That's hot," she claims.

The engagement lasts three weeks before splintering amid a dispute over the prenuptial agreement.

Jessica Simpson, witnessing Hilton's breakup drama, opts to stay married to Nick Lachey. Their "Newlyweds" show is renamed "Mildly Satisfied, Sort of Unhappy Married Couple, Remaining Together for Financial Reasons — Like Everyone Else."

By some strange coincidence, Martha Stewart and New York Times reporter Judith Miller end up at the same prison. Stewart brightens up Miller's cell with curtains and Miller helps Stewart with her "Apprentice" catch phrase.

The pair rules the jail, forming the "Valerie Plame Gang" in which each member must get a tattoo reading "VPG for Life: Disclose this!"

In this alternate reality, though, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline remain together. Even history's left-hand turns can't stop true love.

A Funny Thing Happened at the Dollar Store

I'm standing in line at the dollar store (A teacher's favorite hang-out mind you) when the following conversation transpires between the dollar store cashier and the woman checking out.

The woman checking out holds up some heinous Santa figurine. Anyway, she asks the cashier, "How much this be?"

"It's one dollar," says the cashier.

Then the woman holds up a bottle of hand soap.

"Well, how much this?"

"A dollar," replied the cashier.

"Am I in the dollar store or something?!", asks the woman checking out.

"Um, yes." says the cashier.

"Shit, I thought I was in the mother fucking Dolla General," says the woman.

Ok, it was funny when it happened.

CENSORED

Censorship is bad. Period. In my ideal world, anyone and everyone would be able to express themselves however they wanted at any given moment AND most importantly, everyone else would just accept that, deal with it, embrace it, or ignore it. Whatever. But no one would have to censor themsevles for others.

I've been giving this TONS of thought lately because I feel like I am constantly evalutating what I can and cannot say; what I can and cannot do. Gaging how it will be met by others. Oh my gosh! How will they react!? I find this disconcerting because I am out of the closet! I always thought that after crossing that line, I wouldn't have to edit myself, my life, and my beliefs so much. And it's not even mostly about being gay. It's about my political, spiritual, and personal views on life and even my affection for others.

So here is my question to you, blog-voyer. Is it just me? Or does everyone feel like they are constantly abridging themselves to appease others!? I'm honestly sick of it. That's one reason that I haven't been blogging as much lately. Folks rag on my depressed blogs. Well fuck you. Someone else is made 'uncomfortable' by the way I feel. Well fuck you too. And clearly this issue of living and conversing inauthentically crosses over into work and family.

Why is your comfort of greater value than mine?! You react to things in your own way, and I'll react to them in mine. Ok, opressor?

I've just never been that type of person on the inside. Maybe it's partly my fault because I haven't let you know it. Maybe I've enabled others to treat me this way, but from now on: take me or leave me folks. My feelings, my views, my beleifs....they may not align with your thinking, and they may not even be 'right', but they are mine. I'm entitled to them, and I have just as much of a right to express how I feel as you do. My blog. My away messages. My friends. My activities. My views. My affection. My life. No longer will you be viewing the rated version. It's time for the fucking director's cut.